Blog entry for:

i gain greater insight into and acceptance of others. confession time -- i actually ignored a phone call last night from an addict who is currently running and gunning. they may or may not be clean. i did not lose one jot of sleep last night over not taking that phone call. this morning, i can see that was more than a bit of self-will. yes there was going to be a big BUT there, however i decided better to own what i did and move on. ironically, the thing is is sticking in my craw this morning, is how fVcking human and petty i can be. even worse, i do not feel any remorse over my action, i am tired of being used and disrespected, and whether or not, that is what they wanted, they can start fresh with me today. yes i can forgive, however it will be quite a while before i forget. when someone sh!ts repeatedly in my bed, well they have a lot of work to do to earn back my respect.
as i listened for the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery this morning, i am certain that not only will i need to look at what i am responsible for, i will more than likely need to listen for an opening to return into the good graces of the universe in general. i really hate when my humanity oozes out for everyone to see. i get why i acted the way i did last night. i was angry, hurt and felt disrespected, at least the object of all those emotions was clear, and honestly, had i picked up the phone, i would not have been very spiritual at all. i would have let that addict have it with both barrels, certainly providing them all they needed to continue their spiral down into active addiction. ignoring them, may have had a similar result, it was however a spiritually better solution for me.
so whatever happens today, the heat of my emotions has been removed. i still feel angry, hurt, sad and disrespected, but today i know what i feel and i can deal with those feelings right here and right now, in fvcking REAL TIME. the spiritual life for me is no theory. when i look at the process of recovery, i see that everything i have today, starts with the simple act of not using anything, no matter what, just for today. until my mind and body is clear from the effects of drugs, the spiritual life is just a theory, but once i have a bit of clean time, anything is possible, even the ability to stay clean for five thousand, six hundred and fifty three days in a row.
yes i am human, and yes i still have the desire to retaliate and avenge any hurts, real or perceived, today, however, i no longer need to be driven by that. i know what i am, i know how i react, and i CAN and WILL take responsibility to behave in a more spiritual manner, by applying the 12 STEPS to my life. what will happen next? well i will jump in the shower, head on over to work and clean up the sh!t pile i dropped on everyone in a fit of pique on Friday afternoon. yes, even i have crap to clean up and a process to earn back the respect of my peers and coworkers. it is a good day to apply the 12 STEPS to my seemingly intractable living problems.

∞ DT ∞