Blog entry for:

**do things,** without any apparent rhyme or reason and wonder WTF just happened.yes i understand the reading is all about active addiction, and yet, it is eerily similar to some aspects of my life in recovery today. it is certainly true that recovery has given me the ability to see the patterns in my feelings, my reactions to others and yes even a clue or two about “why” i do something. even with all that “knowledge” and “wisdom” there are often “puzzling” behaviors and reactions that have consequences that i deem as unacceptable. the TENTH STEP, allows me the time to look at those troubling aspects of my daily life, but i would certainly love to have the brakes, hard-wired in, to prevent them from happening in the first place.
case in point, i have been feeling more than a little bit “out of sorts” about parts of my life, recently. as a result i have done and said things that i came to regret and and had to go back and “correct” after the fact. it took, actually allowing myself to express the unmentionable at a meeting the other night, to bring myself back into the pattern of living that fosters a sense of balance and serenity in my life. acting out in my default passive-aggressive manner seriously sucks. most of the time, that comes out as spreading the misery around, so everyone feels as uncomfortable and unbalanced as i do, and most of the time, it is not the root cause that gets this treatment. this sideways vengeance of sorts, was how i once lived and actually believed was a behavior is was entitled to, for all sorts of nonsensical reasons. it amazes me, how quickly i fall back into the patterns of thought and behaviors that ruled my life in active addiction.
and then, of course, the beatings commence, as i “whip” myself back into spiritual shape with shame, remorse and becoming a doormat, just because that is how i roll. in fact that particular pattern is the reactive pattern i established back in early recovery, when i believed that my “ego” had to be smashed, ground down and generally destroyed. needless to say, i was confused about the true nature of the problem that is me, and i still wince when i hear my peers, saying that their egos need to be smashed. as i stay clean i see that ego is not necessarily the issue here, it is my unrelenting desire to exert power and control over all aspects of my life, that drives my selfish, self-centered attitudes and behaviors and not necessarily an “wrongly” sized ego.before i forget:

Jerrianne K,
Congrats on 15 years clean.
Thank you for your kindness and support across
the course of our recovery journey.

living life clean is not always easy, at least for this addict. this morning, i actually started a conversation about something i have been feeling, and for once in my life, i could speak about my feelings, the boundaries i would and could accept and leave the solution or resolution for another day and time. i was going to wait and for the most part was good about doing so, and yet, this morning seemed to be the “right” time to speak my mind and allow a “meeting of the minds” process to commence. that is so far from my usual pattern of living, that as i write this, i am amazed that it even happened. perhaps, just for today, WTF did i just do, might NOT be a part of the pattern of life i am living. today, i had a success and i am going to revel in that “glow” for just a minute. that is evidence that this recovery gig, does set-up a new pattern or two, even after a few days clean, and that this addict needs to allow the process to work its “magic” in his life.

∞ DT ∞