Blog entry for:

my authentic self. i know that many of my peers found this to be the case, as soon as they became members. for me however, it was over two decades of abstinence, step work and living an active program of recovery, before i achieved this freedom. it was not society or my family that held me back, it was me myself and i and the lie i invented when i was five years old to explain why someone who supposedly loved and cherished me would treat me with such contempt. across the course of my recovery, i stumbled across this fact of life, numerous times and each time i told myself that i had already resolved the resentment and fell back into the fog of denial that my little lie, facilitated.
after hiding myself for so long, the freedom to be, was somewhat overwhelming and scary as shit. as the days since revealing that to my sponse and my significant other, i have shared it at a meeting and with several closed mouth and trusted peers. this morning as i chose which of the readings i was going to use as my seed, i never thought this one would lead in this direction. i am at the point with this topic, to just let go and be okay with the changes it is manifesting in me. living without the fear of being revealed, is quite a gift. understanding that although i was broken, i was far from broken beyond all repair. most importantly for me anyhow, is knowing that no matter what someone else may think of me, i am okay just the way i am, today. this morning as i step out into the real world to deal with some more estate stuff, i do not have to worry about what others are thinking, especially the addict who received a bit of a reality check the other day. i am sure they have their grievances against me and they will just have to wait until Festivus to air them. 🤣 it is a good day to remember that i am an addict, i am willing to take responsibility for my life and that when i am out and about dealing with the so-called normal world, i do not have to let on, that i can see things that they themselves may be blind to, just for today.

∞ DT ∞