Blog entry for:

i live this process called recovery and my life.
man are feelings ever so inconvenient sometimes. case in point, last night at the meeting i saw someone who has been around and out and about for a bit of time. i was glad to see him, but at the same time i was angry, bitter and wanted to ream them a brand new hole. i was not going to share because of the sh!t that i would certainly had spewed all over those in attendance and even after a TENTH STEP, i just could not let go, of how much power i so willingly gave them, so i my anger prevented me from accepting the gift that Morpheus brings me on a daily basis.
this morning, as i sat and quietly listened to what was in my heart and shut-off what was in my head, i realized that i was angry, bitter and resentful, because i wanted to be. i wanted to be a victim to my feelings, i wanted to justify all that i felt and i wanted a very convenient and large scapegoat, and i got exactly what i wanted and it fVcking sucked.
so after a slickery and slidey drive to work, i see that when i get what i want, i may not necessarily like the results, and as i over-caffeinate across the course of this day, to make up for my self-abuse last night, i will remember that like my friend, i have to pay the price for being something that i once was.
in active addiction, i was always the victim, whether it was the circumstance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, being picked on by the cops, having to walk in a blizzard to get my fix, or abandon my car to a repair shop, it was always someone else's fault and never, ever had anything to do with me. in fact, FML, would have been quite an apt phrase to define what my life looked like, way back when. it is also, as the evidence seems to suggest, a fall-back mode for me, even after a few days clean. it is almost like an very old pair of shoes that i find when i start digging around in the boxes that i packed up years ago, and have never opened up, even though i have move one or more times. they are familiar, comfortable, beat-up and still stink, which is why i never bothered to look for them before. and yet…
so this morning, i am ready to let it go, my bitterness and anger over what may or may not have happened; my expectations of what someone is supposed to do and be; and most importantly whether or not i am well enough not to go there again.
anyhow, the morning grows late and i really do need to get focused on my work and let go of writing this little ditty. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day not to be trapped in the behaviors that i am way too familiar with, from back in the day.

∞ DT ∞