Blog entry for:

more clearly, the ins and outs of being me, is a direct result of this program of recovery and not a side-effect. for instance, i know that the spiritual discomfort i am feeling today is because i have a 4TH STEP ready to be shared with my sponse. i also understand that my hesitance to confront my Mom and ask what she is so afraid of, is not because i fear her response, but because it will poke at a spot that is very tender for her and more than likely only make her shut-down even more. those two facts of my life today, combine to make living in my skin, a tricky proposition. where once upon a time i would have blamed everyone and everything else for how i was feeling, today, i understand that it is being driven by the “process” of recovery.
as i alluded to yesterday, when i shared, coming to this place in my life was the result of the work i have done in living a program of recovery with the SUPPORT of my peers:

Jerrianne K.
EIGHTEEN (18) years clean.
WOW, living proof that the process does work!

this morning i have to admit i am not at my best, as three hours of sleep does little to refresh my body. i am going to do the best i can with what i have and not having to drive down to see my sponse, now looks like the best outcome for this day. which sort of clumsily brings me back to the topic at hand, manifesting an active program of recovery in my life. i am far from perfect, but something i do much better than ever before, is to be aware of what is going on around me. when i observe some of my peers and the people in my life, i wonder how they can be so oblivious to what is happening right in front of their eyes. i remember what a shock it was for me to finally wake-up and take in all the sensory inputs that being “present” to what was going on around me, brought to my life. when i could finally pay attention to the people who made up my life, i was grateful they remained, even after being, dismissed, diminished, disrespected and taken for granted. that process is part of the core of this 4TH STEP, as i have become more aware that my identity is based in White Male Privilege and the lie that i created this comfortable lie, all by myself. i am not going to drop into identity politics here and now, but i am much more awake to the fact that everyone IS entitled to the life i have. case in point: i can go for a run at dusk or dawn and the chances of me getting arrested tasered or shot are very low.
where i am going with all of this, is that because of the recovery process i have been given, i can become a better person. i will never understand what it means to be a woman, or a person of color, and i do not have to do so. what i do have to do, is understand that i am a collection of biases, prejudices and opinions, that can be overcome to allow me to treat others in a manner that i would like to be treated, just for today.

∞ DT ∞