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i now understand more about what happens in my life. although what that meaning is in the big picture still escapes me most of the time. i ham quite content knowing the meaning of my life in the her and now, and if i am part of some vast scheme then so be it. honestly, one of the things i fantasized about was somehow being beyond the average Joe, and i mean way beyond the average ordinary type. i understand that came from my inability to deal with life in the real world and until that first time i used, my fantasy life was my only real escape. what that seems to suggest, is a conclusion i came to long ago, namely i was an addict before i ever picked up that very first time. disease, malady, congenital birth defect or mental misfiring, it really does not matter why i was and am an addict, what matters for me today, is that i recognize that, and take steps to move beyond being trapped and victimized by the addict within. just so you understand me, that addict within is not some alternate ego or even a separate person, it is part and parcel me, and i use it as a convenient construct to illustrate my point. where was i? oh yeah, talking about coming to understand my place in the world and how the process of recovery as returned meaning to my life. i do go off when i start to think of how long the process of recovery required that i look at the addict within as an invader that need to be combated. do not get me wrong, i wholly believe that without the 12 step process, i would have been dead a while ago. i also believe that i have some direction in my life, and the purpose i see today is to become the best person i can be, at least in this 24 hour slice of the space-time continuum. the delusions or desires of being something different can still arise, i know these days that they are just that daydreams and can be dismissed without any further thought. the process has also gives me a framework to evaluate those fantasies as they arise, namely what is happening in the real world that i am having trouble accepting? the beauty of such a framework is that i can then get down to the work that is before me to allow myself to be transformed by the active recovery process. in fact that is where my power lies, i am the one who controls whether or not recovery will happen to me. with that in mind, i do believe i will hit the streets and get some stuff off my plate before i go and get rubbed the right way. i am grateful today, that i can be more than i was yesterday, and if i choose to do so, be even more tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞