Blog entry for:

both the dark and the bright sides of me, myself and i. okay this was going to be more about the key to the process called life and after a fat finger accident, it turned into the process of coming to accept myself as i am, right here and right now. the truth is, no matter how hard i denied it way back when, is that i always wanted to be someone else. i wanted to be richer, better educated, better looking, more charismatic and certainly more comfortable in my own skin. i was always looking for the fix, and lived in a fantasy world where “what ifs” filled my head with nonsense twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year. what is not fantasy,. is what my peers accomplish each and every day:

Jerianne K.
14 years of Just for Today
Congrats my friend.

my shout out being done, time to get back into writing about the process that has unlocked my life and is unchaining me from my past-life of unmet expectations. yes, in my past life, the life before i accepted that i was an addict and that i had no power or control over addiction, i lived in a world of unmet expectations. was i sit here today, wending my way back to STEP ONE, i seem to be stuck in the half-life i had between my first meeting and when i finally accepted what i was and wanted to do something about it. here is where i have to start to trust that the PROCESS is working,m and there is some little gem of information that needs to be revealed to me, so i can move on. when i whined about this yesterday to one of my peers, they told me, that maybe i just had to have a little FAITH and let whatever is happening, happen. it is ironic, that here is am whining about this process, when only yesterday i was all over it with praise, praise and more praise. there is a disconnect here between what i want and what i am getting and as i pound this out, i see it is not all that different from the pile of unmet expectations that once were my life. i expect certain things, fantasy or reality, and get all sorts of butt-hurt, when i do not get them. sort of like getting “de-friended” on social media sites, when i do not realize i was cut-off i do not feel any anger, pain or resentment. getting over being butt-hurt is as easy as realizing i was not following them at all, anyhow, so what am i really missing? ah, but it comes down to the whole “do they not know who the fVck i am,” thought process. once again i have stepped out of the process and am stuck in self-centered behavior, which characterized those years of compliance.
moving forward , and today there will be a whole lot physical movement in my life, i get to have time to pause and consider what it is, i am so desperately trying to uncover from those twilight days. it certainly is not another page of the fantasy novel that was my life. and i certainly do not need to return to the smoke and mirror days, where i was not confident to be myself. i ]happen to like that my need to look like, act like and yes be like my peers is starting to recede, and i am seeing that stepping out as my own person is the means to continuing this process. maybe that is what this pause is all about, learning to see, that the envious, desirous, fantastical creature that walked into the rooms is ready to be thrown upon the bonfire of what was, and allow a phoenix to arise out of the ashes of what is.
what really matters, si that now that i think about it, i am coming to believe that i am worth more than i was when i came to recovery and EVERYTHING, including the posing and pretending was needed for me to finally find a key to unlock the recovery process for me. it is a great day to be clean and on this side of the grass!

∞ DT ∞