Blog entry for:

the things that are happening in my life today. just for today, i have decided to no longer fight this process.
yes, i have been assimilated, resistance was futile.
to really stir the pot, the longer i stay clean, the less i know.
the irony and the paradox found in those first 50 or so words, is striking this morning. i have the HOPE that by the time i finish draining my mind, i will have all of that reconciled.
to start with the whole resistance and assimilation gig. although it is clearly stated in our literature, that we are supposed to think for ourselves, there is a mindset in some of the circles i encounter in recovery, that anything that strays from their view of the official party line is just plain WRONG! when i say that using worked for me right to the end, or that recovery has taught me to think for myself or even <lGASP> that the ends of my service work DO NOT justify the means, i open myself up to the scorn of those who are unable to think outside that box.
i come here not to bury them, and doth protest far too much, time to get back on track.
what the program of recovery has given me, is the ability to think clearly for the first time in years, and yes even decades. i have accepted the program into my life, and the one part of the party line, i have no argument with, is that i am an addict, and am powerless over my addiction, PERIOD! 5000 days ago, i had more than one issue with that statement, and was certain that i would never pay more than lip service to this concept, as i saw the robot like way, many worked their programs. i too, have gone through that exact phase, parroting all i heard, accepting as gospel the various pearls of wisdom that dripped from the mouths of those who were here when i got here. i became a program borg, and willingly allowed it to happen. i did not need to think, as every thought was predigested and condensed into pithy bromides for me to latch on to. those i heard, who think like i do today, were certainly to be avoided at all costs as heresy was punishable by relapse. without the cloud of substance use, without the cloud of evangelistic zeal, and without the cloud of dogma, to restrict me, i now see the program and its price and prize in a much clearer light.
part of the the price i pay for my ongoing recovery, is the ever increasing vigilance i need to pay to my spiritual condition. it is also allowing myself to think and examine what i do and do not believe, and express those discoveries or uncoveries as the case may be, out loud to others. i believe that telling an addict to go out and try some controlled using is one of the most idiotic statements ever devised, and i am so glad that the fellowship i call my home does not suggest that anywhere. i believe that faking contact with a HIGHER POWER until you make it, is dangerous and leads to relapse. i believe that i was born with addiction ready to roll, all it took was that very first get high at boy scout camp all those years ago, and addiction was off and running, there was no turning back. i believe that i do not have all the answers, but i do have some, and those i need to have today, will be revealed to me, in time for me to use them, IF i am present for the opportunity so hear them. i believe that long term abstinence DOES NOT EQUAL recovery, and can actually be a detriment to the recovering addict, as it provides evidence to the addict within that i am not one. most of all i believe that i DO NOT and CANNOT know where i will get what i NEED today, or even what it is i really need, therefore, i need to decide, today and every day, whether or not to turn my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, whether or not i understand what that POWER may be. that is not faking it, that is growing some FAITH, feeling instead of knowing, living rather than snoozing.
so yes, i am a member, i cherish my membership and will share what i have been given with anyone who asks for it. i know who and what i am, but not where i am going in this journey and that is not a bad thing. i am less certain of what the right thing for you to do is, BUT i know for certainty what the next right thing for me is. i cannot give a you a prepackaged, predigested version of recovery, wrapped up in a few neat and clever clichés, but i can give you my EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE.
so before the skies start to drop their wondrous white stuff, or not, the next right thing for me to do, is to do a quick tour of my neighborhood, as recovery has given me the desire to be more that i was yesterday, and in this case, more physically fit. so yes i have been assimilated, and although i may know things, i know less about how all those things fit together, and your job is to enlighten me in that respect, all i have to do is allow you to do so.

∞ DT ∞