ฮด the Twelve Step process gives meaning to my life -- in working the steps, ฮ
Posted: Sun, Mar 4, 2007 11:04:35 AM
i come to accept both the dark and the bright sides of myself. i strip away the denial that kept me from comprehending the affect addiction had on me.
that denial kept me in the dark for so long, i had come to accept it as the TRUTH. the TRUTH as i knew it when i came to recovery was that i was beyond redemption, broken beyond repair and i had no dark side to me, all the things i did were always the fault of someone else. today i can still use the part of me i call my disease as an excuse, and often i find myself doing just that, especially when i trip on a less than spiritual behavior that is active in my life. one of my favorite little cop-outs is that i am acting on old behavior. my sponsor is quick to point out that if i am acting on that behavior it is hardly an "old" behavior, rather it is a current behavior, and of course that is the last thing i wish to hear or accept, after all, i should be better than that by now. it is more than a little ironic that i shift the blame of my actions on to my disease, rather than accept that such and such behavior is still a part of me that has yet to be removed, so it goes, just another day in the life of a recovering addict. yes i am getting better and yes there is more to me than meets even my discerning eye, all i have to do is continue to allow the process to happen as it will and i will continue to get better. and without a doubt i am becoming the man i always wanted to be.
i can accept that today there is still more work to do and that the process will allow me to be more than i ever have been -- IF I LET IT. so off to surrenderville once again and into the real world.
that denial kept me in the dark for so long, i had come to accept it as the TRUTH. the TRUTH as i knew it when i came to recovery was that i was beyond redemption, broken beyond repair and i had no dark side to me, all the things i did were always the fault of someone else. today i can still use the part of me i call my disease as an excuse, and often i find myself doing just that, especially when i trip on a less than spiritual behavior that is active in my life. one of my favorite little cop-outs is that i am acting on old behavior. my sponsor is quick to point out that if i am acting on that behavior it is hardly an "old" behavior, rather it is a current behavior, and of course that is the last thing i wish to hear or accept, after all, i should be better than that by now. it is more than a little ironic that i shift the blame of my actions on to my disease, rather than accept that such and such behavior is still a part of me that has yet to be removed, so it goes, just another day in the life of a recovering addict. yes i am getting better and yes there is more to me than meets even my discerning eye, all i have to do is continue to allow the process to happen as it will and i will continue to get better. and without a doubt i am becoming the man i always wanted to be.
i can accept that today there is still more work to do and that the process will allow me to be more than i ever have been -- IF I LET IT. so off to surrenderville once again and into the real world.
∞ DT ∞