Blog entry for:

in working the steps, they become a part of me. my world is no longer meaningless; i understand more about what happens in my life today. as i sit here waiting for breakfast to leave my stomach so i can hit the pavement, i am struck by the irony of this reading, in what has been active in my head as i have been working with two different sponsees over the past couple of days. i keep insisting that this is a process, and part of that process is to change the manner in which they think. neither one of these men, accept that premise, after all, how could they have gotten where they have gotten if that was the case? the irony, neither one is pleased about their current situation and when asked about and allowed to vent, will go on and on about how bad they feel being where they are, and how desperate they are to be somewhere else. yet, they are resistant, to say the least, to trying out new ways of thinking. i understand that sort of thinking. what it comes down to, for me, anyhow, is that i am in a world of sh!t, i know that i am an addict, so it must be addiction that led me here, better call my sponsor and whine a bit, to see if he can help me sort this out., but wait if i do that i will get some sort of heinous assignment that i have neither the time or energy to do, so i will just sit and stew a bit more while this settles out.
talk about a fine piece of insanity! the nice part is i can see that for what it is today, and move on. the twelve steps are the key to seeing how insane that pattern happens to be, and by my actually living and working the steps with a sponsor, i get glimpses into what i could and may become, if i continue to apply myself. so where does that leave me at this morning. well one sponsee already called and whined about his heinous assignment, and the other is about to get one, it just has yet to be revealed to me. myself, it is time to actually move off of the step i have been hung on, by talking to my sponsor and moving on. life is good for me today, and perhaps there is more in store for me, if i allow the process of life to happen on its own. yeah, i know, i say that, and i actually mean that, but my behavior speaks contrary to that, i surrender and i take it back, i accept that i rail and rebel against, and i tolerate then fly into fits of self-righteousness. AT LEAST, i have the tools to deal with that today, and i can see the insanity. i know denial is not a river in Egypt, so looking at all of this in the context of the process of my life, certainly speaks to me that i am not cured, nor am i in need of "advanced" recovery. i am just an addict who is clean today and doing his level best to live clean, the twelve steps are the vehicle that provide me the means to do so, and my sponsor is my guide.
so off to the streets and into this warm and soon to be windy morning.

∞ DT ∞