Blog entry for:

i just **did things,** often without knowing why or what the results would be. life had little value or meaning. moving along this particular train of thought, the meaning of my life has yet to be revealed, although the value of my life has become apparent as i travel the path of recovery. am i concerned about the meaning of life or my purpose for being here? well the short answer is not really, however that answer is more than a little unsatisfactory. some days, i do go off on the tangent of obsessing about what the f*ck my purpose is and why i was chosen to get clean. after all, the damage in my life, had yet to reach the proportions of some of the people i know who are still **out there**. as i think about the events in my life that brought me to recovery and my attitudes about those events, i wonder if there was really a rhyme or reason for me being here, or is it all some sort of random joke. then of course, i look at what i thought about the meaning of life back then, especially my own and come to the conclusion that even though i came to recovery with the attitude that my life was meaningless, and purposeless, i still had the barest desire to do something different. that small flicker of desire has grown into quite the bonfire of passion for the program that saved me from myself and that passion is something that more than once has given me a problem or three.
so here is sit, warm and successful in my life looking at the events that comprised the end of active addiction for me, and wondering why i was so stubborn in accepting who and what i was. after all, it is past the eleventh anniversary of my first meeting, and yet my clean date is still months away.
i could twist my knickers into quite a bun, if i allowed myself to dwell in this particular house for very long, so what it all comes down to, for me, is that i was not ready to accept recovery, i was not ready to find value in li8ving and i was not ready to let go of self-will. all the things that happens in those last seven months had to happen, or i would not be where i am today. not that they were predestined, i have yet to become a believer in predestination, but they were necessary to break through the walls of denial i had so carefully crafted across the twenty-five years of active addiction.
so today, i look at my life, the changes that have come about in both myself and my living conditions and, marvel on where recovery has taken this particular addict. it is only because i finally chose to live the program of recovery by working steps, that all this was even possible. so while the gratitude for who and what i have become lasts, i will sign-off and go see what i can get accomplished today.

∞ DT ∞