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as i get started this morning, there are more than a few seemingly random threads running through my head. the first is the funeral for a friend i will be attending this morning. of course i will hear over and over again, from some attendees, how they let him drop out of their lives and how sad that they are, that in the end, it was just him and addiction and he lost that battle. for me, it was just this simple, i protect my recovery by keeping my distance from those who are using. when i spoke to him less than two months ago, i told him, i was there for him, all he had to do is ask, and let him go on his merry way. he informed me that he was just… and i let it sit at that, by reminding him that substance is a drug as well. something he told me, way back when i was a newcomer and he was the dinosaur. GREG, thank you for being here when i was was hanging around pretending to be clean and more importantly for being here when i came back finally, six months after my last use. you inspired me then and i still remember your best days and not the dark ones that ended with your demise.
as i sat with a man i sponsor last night, enjoying a a major cigar, i was struck by how far removed he has become from the life of recovery. in act, as we sat there and i recounted what was happening, more than one event that concerned those he knew and loved had escaped his attention. i was part of bringing him back from the brink before, and am beginning to wonder if he is slipping away again. there is not a whole lot i can do, but keep a line of communication open, and allow him the freedom to be who he will be and reconnect if he chooses to do so. i hate watching this process and part of me is jealous of those who successfully detach and seem to keep their lives together. then, i really consider what kind of life i would have, if i let go of my friends, acquaintance and peers in recovery. they are my life, my social connections, my outside interests and more than that they are my peeps. they get me and best of all they like me, despite all of the things that make me asocial and not fit for the company of humans. in the end, i may want to detach, BUT to do so, would lead to a death of a spiritual nature and a return to a very small world of isolation. so i will continue to reach out and apply whatever pressure i can, to get my friend and sponsee to reconnect, and let go of the outcome of that effort.
the final thread is the conversation i will be having with my recalcitrant sponsee this afternoon. for him, i finally get that like me, he is socially awkward and extremely anxious in tenuous social situations. he uses bravado and material gifts to win over others, because he is afraid of being alone and not having anyone in his life. i get all of that and as i work through this set of steps, it becomes more and more evident that is the ongoing theme for me. learning about how to relate to others in a social setting. i have become so well-connected as a result of this process, that the dramas and the traumas of the boisterous fellowship that is my home, swirl around me relentlessly. they have been invited into my life and to my great surprise they have all accepted that invitation, hence, the fellowship and the men in my local groups are now my lifeline in all sorts of different aspects. i guess i better learn to golf, so i can connect that much better as well!
what does any of this have to do with the reading? all of the above are symptoms of the spiritual awakening that is in process for me right now. i care, i want, and <GASP> i FEEL. best of all, i am learning by being a part of, how to sort out what is my stuff and what is everyone else's. my feelings are mine, their feelings are theirs and how i connect to the world around me, is more than mine and no one else's. it is up to me to let go of judgements and casting motives on the behaviors of others, as that is what i will need to do, to help the men i sponsor, have spiritual awakenings on their own. it is however getting late, so i will just say, funeral and all, it is a good day to be clean and be a part of the life i have been given.

∞ DT ∞