Blog entry for:

this awakening is evidenced by the changes that are manifest in my life.
TAKE TWO
there are a couple of unrelated topics running through my head this morning that i need to clear up.
1) after all my whining and moaning about how awful meetings are and how they feel like the bane of my existence, yesterday. when i went to the meeting that i usually attend on Saturday morning, i actually heard a sh!t load of information i NEEDED to hear. not that the meeting was filled with spiritual gurus, no it had it normal fill of members in various phases of the recovery process, it was me that finally started to come around. that loud pop that could be heard here locally was not the start of judgement day, but my head being freed from a figurative orifice. i guess i need to vent and get my crap out, so i could actually listen for what i needed to hear.
2) this is one of those reading that has a very high “schlock” score in my book. i know this from my previous experience, but this morning it is a notable that when i read it this morning, i totally skipped over that fact and it was not until i sat down to write this that i realized what was really going on.
now that the distractions are gone, what i heard this morning was that there is evidence in my daily living that i have had, and am continuing to undergo an awakening that is of a spiritual nature. no matter how rational, logical or academic i want to be, the program, via the process of the steps is changing my world view, and what me, in ways that i can only begin to catalog. such a list, will illustrative of my point, is not where i NEED to go this morning, it is more than sufficient to say that this is happening, despite any reservations that i had when i first came to recovery. i have been down that road more than once before, so i will not rehash it here except to say that if i could have peeked at the man i am today, fourteen years ago, i would have been more than a little surprised, elated and yes even a bit disappointed. surprised that i could have a successful life and that i could claim a spiritual path. elated that i had found much of what had eluded me all my life. disappointed, that i could not find a way of using successfully and getting all that i had, succumbing to the superstition that culture, the church and the power elite had been trying to foist upon me since my youth. yes, i can still go there, that this spiritual awakening i have had and am continuing to experience is just the very thing i trained so hard to avoid. that my internal jury could ignore the rational part and turn in this direction is a turn of events that is totally unexpected. the real question there fore becomes, could i have gotten to where i am without this awakening, without this journey ion a spiritual path, without a bit suspension of disbelief? the answer is not following the path i was on. it is only because i came to recovery and fitted my life to the model of a recovering addict, that i can sit here today and muse about this. way back then, i did not have the freedom to consider that this sort of life was possible. i lacked the ability to think clearly and even though rationality was part of my credo, i have to 'fess up to being a foxhole Christian, praying when my ass was in a sling and not thinking twice about it.
anyhow superstitiously rational or rationally spiritual, are probably the same thing, i choose the latter to describe how i am today. i can tell you this: if this gig ever stops working for me, i will move on.BUT for the last 5000 days or so, it has worked and the evidence is that just for today it will work again. so off to the streets to get a power run in, to finish off my training for my first road race in eleven years, not that i am a serious competitor, it is for me to gauge how my physical fitness program is progressing, just like the meeting yesterday and how i felt afterwards was an indicator of my spiritual fitness program. it is a GREAT DAY to be walking a spiritual path and be clean.

∞ DT ∞