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for those who follow me on any sort of regular basis, i got the results of my biopsy yesterday and it was a mixed bag of **news.** i have prostate cancer, HOWEVER it is non-aggressive and slow growing at this time, so **ACTIVE SURVEILLANCE** is my current course of treatment. i am waiting for the pathology report to be posted on my patient portal, so i can GOOGLE the crap out of it. what i have heard from the men in my life, is that they all know someone with the same diagnosis and those men are living with it, untreated for decades, with no ill effects. that gives me HOPE, that i, too can accept my diagnosis, follow the guidance of my medical doctor and get on with my life. this morning i am okay with that notion, but i ride a roller-coaster of emotion about harboring a deadly invader in my physical body. the parallel here with active addiction is astonishing, as i was certainly clueless that i was an addict, until i stepped into the rooms.
is has been a minute since i came to accept that i am an addict and that addiction was more than my use of substances and behaviors, to alter my perception of the world around me. i have yet to come to the conclusion that i “had” to use, but that really is not important. the fact is, when i “had” to be abstinent for one reason or another, i ALWAYS counted the days until i could use, once again. when i finally accepted that i was an addict and the desire to use was lifted from my everyday life, those countdowns stopped. it is true, i am not one of those who say never, ever again. i can live an active program of recovery, just for today and commit to staying clean until i lay my head on my pillow tonight.
is that a symptom of a spiritual awakening? way back when i would have said, for sure. now it just feels as if it is part of who i am. i certainly can put up the smoke and mirror and emulate a “spiritual awakening,” feign acceptance and quote liberally from recovery literature and have played that game for years on end, back in the earlier, darker days of my recovery. today, i am content, a bit less than stellar as i fit the new facts of who i am into my life and feel as if i need to do something, anything to ignore the news i received yesterday. i vacillate between half-empty and half-full and forget i am fortunate to have a life at all, as i was so willing to trade it away for that “big one.” in celebration of being able to, i think i will say i am grateful that now i know, let go of what “may happen,” and hit the streets to pound out a bit of whatever from my psyche. it is a good day to be on this side of the lawn.

∞ DT ∞