Blog entry for:

most of my time worrying or trying to control outcomes. alright, let me just say it here, I AM FRIGGIN SICK OF THE RAIN! whine is done, and now for something different.
when i pick out a seed from what life was like, back in the days before i came to the rooms, and before i actually accepted the FIRST STEP, it is an invitation to fill this space with a litany of sins, evil deeds and bad behaviors. it is also an invitation for me, to go a bit ballistic about how this is still active in my life today, especially after a few days clean, with the exception of the evil deeds part, i am a bit better than that. the truth of course lies somewhere in between, i was not the dark and demonic addict slashing throats and destroying lives, as i want to make myself out to be, nor am i the shining pillar of recovery, bring sunshine and light into all the lives of those i meet. i exists somewhere in between, in a state of perfect humanity. i have defects of character as well as assets. i can and often do things for people with little or no expectation of any return. i can also be self-seeking, glory hogging and selfish in the very next instant. so where the fVck is this spiritual awakening i was supposed to have, after all, if i am still behaving badly, it is not “old” behavior.
the reading talks about the symptoms, and although i often exhibit many of them, the real truth is that i am extraordinarily human. the only thing thing that separates me from the other 85% of the human race is what happens to me, when i choose to use, and then of course ALL BETS ARE OFF! the way i combat that little difference is through a program of active recovery, which has the effect of reducing the amount of time i am selfish and increases my desire to take the opportunity to do something for someone, with no expectation of return,, true good deeds, that only the recipient, the POWER that fuels my recovery and myself, know about.
thinking about where i am, in my recovery process today, it seems that events have played out, to illustrate that the time to wrap up this current manifestation of the ELEVENTH STEP is upon me. all of a sudden, carrying the message to the still suffering addict, seems to be where i am, and when i mean still suffering, i DO NOT necessarily mean the newest member of my peers. it seems that although i have done both, my calling, as it were, is to keep my peers from walking away. as noble as that sounds, it certainly is at odds, with another school of thought, namely that the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting. or is it really? no need to belabor that point,as i am not quite there yet. i do know, that learning to feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, has been a very fruitful exercise. more and more, i am coming into concordance with that path and more and more i am starting to feel my daily mission, instead of control the outcome of events i have little or no power over today. which i am now getting to be: shower off, suit up and head on down to work, it is after all a great day to be a part of the real world.

∞ DT ∞