Blog entry for:

in being vulnerable or put another way, i give more than i get, when i open up my life and share it with others, especially my peers in recovery. as discordant as that may feel to me, i sort of understand the point: by sharing who i am and what i may be going through, in this moment, i allow others a pathway to find a bit of HOPE, that they too, can get through this day without using. today, as i am now in the final seven days of my training schedule, i know that faster, harder and longer is not the sort of workout in which i need to engage. sharing who i am, however, and allowing others to share with me, is certainly an activity upon which i need to improve. both of those “counter-productive” and if given a choice, i would run myself into the ground, while i carried every little detail of my life to my grave. it is certainly a good thing that i CHOSE to live and active program of recovery, when i got up this morning, and that means i take care of myself, because for me, that is the only path that leads to living free of the self-created misery within which i was hopelessly mired.
looking out my window at the blood red sun shining through the pall of smoke from fires a thousand miles away, i wonder whether or not i need to rethink my workout activity this morning. the smoke has not mixed down to the surface yet, but it is certainly predicted to do so, that probability seems to indicate that getting out on the streets, sooner, rather than later, may just be the next correct thing to do. it also seems to lead towards heading over to the cigar lounge to work this morning, instead of hanging on out backyard patio. that will be a bridge i cross when i get to it, for now, however, considering what to share and with whom to share it, is popping to the top of the stack.
the triple agent newcomer, who asked to serve my home group has now been missing in action for the past few weeks. in my experience that hardly ever bodes well and i certainly hope in this instance, that if a relapse is occurring, he finds his way out of that pit of despair. i have never handled “radio silence” very well and today i am dealing with it from two of my peers, who i see as vulnerable to addiction. once again, i NEED to admit i am powerless, let go of having to “do something,” and allow events to play out as they will. sitting on my hands, SUCKS! 🤢 i “know” enough today, to be okay with a course of action that means taking no action, it just does not “feel” as if it is the next “right” thing to do. that is my ego screaming for attention, saying shit like i can certainly ride to their rescue, when the truth is i cannot. what i can do, is to dress out and hit the streets for the start of my polishing workouts. i know that intensity will nott make me any faster next week and may cause an injury, so it is maintenance and distance to keep me in the “groove.” just for today, i will allow someone to see the man behind the curtain.

∞ DT ∞