Blog entry for:

no filters~~ once upon a time, that sort of living was impossible. everything about me was an eminent front and filtered to have the greatest affect on the largest crowd i could muster. life in my skin was an act and i may not have been happy about that as a fact of life, but there was little to nothing i could do. after all, every single time i revealed anything about myself, i ended up getting smacked down and humiliated. the easier, softer and certainly safer way to was to be a poser in all things and a master of none.
getting clean did not help matters much. after a lifetime of trusting no one with seeing the real me, i was hardly ready to open up to a bunch of “loser” strangers. if i could not trust that purported to love me, not to hurt me, how could i ever trust those members who were already in the rooms. so it goes without saying that i was a very slow learner to becoming honest and open with my peers, as the whole notion of being vulnerable was anathema to me. the fact that i could eventually become real and open with those around me is certainly not something i ever believed would happen in my lifetime. twenty-five or so years of recovery work, brought me out of that darkness, but i still have more than a bit of trepidation when i share with those i have yet to get to know.
the fact that i am least willing to head up to Wyoming in August to share my story at a camp-out, is still a bit nerve-wracking. the irony of this all just happens to be, that i once had the desire to be a convention circuit speaker, sharing my story in front of hundreds of strangers, even though i was clueless about who i was becoming. these days, i am more than grateful when i am asked to share my experience, strength and hope, outside my area and home group. i have no illusions of ever becoming a convention circuit speaker and i actually have given up on that notion, as it does not really fit who i am today. i do have stuff to share and i am grateful to have the opportunities to share in smaller, more intimate settings rather than a convention hall.
as i prepare to get out of the house and into the real world, i can say that without a doubt, can be okay with who i am today and the direction i may be going. it is a good day for a life without fronts and filters, save perhaps being a bit more kind in my tone of voice and a little less “salty” in my choice of words. both of those choices reflect who i believe i am becoming, just for today.

∞ DT ∞