Blog entry for:

myself and others, may not be a symptom of addiction and may actually be a sign that i am getting just a bit more spiritual. no not the judging part, that may still be manifestation of the part of me i call addiction. accepting that i am judgemental and not trying to suppress or change it, is the spiritual part. one of the gifts of my last set of steps was a bit of acceptance of who i am. that person is cynical, dark and wickedly sarcastic. although many may see those as undesirable character traits, “negative” aspects that NEED to be removed, i came to accept them as part of who i am. the fact of the matter is, how others see them is really unimportant, how i see them makes all the difference. i could offer up a tons of excuses, rationalizations and justifications for being the way i am, the spiritual awaken piece of all of this is that knowing that is who i am and choosing to behave in a different manner, despite who i am, is the awakening part of my spirit.
having a judgement and sharing it freely to anyone in the vicinity are two distinct events in my opinion and i treat them as such. that was not always the case, as i am quite infamous for saying the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. over and over again, i let everyone know what i was thinking and did not see discretion as the better part of valor. quite honestly i believed i was entitled to share freely the garbage that accumulated in my head about how my peers were acting and what my “educated” opinion of that behavior happened to be. what i uncovered as a result of that last set of steps, is that even if i may correct in making whatever judgement i just made, it was not my “right” to share it with anyone without their assent. when i chose to do so, what i was actually doing is pandering to the less than stellar esteem i felt for myself. in active addiction it was a tool to make me feel better than and in active recovery little about that had changed. knowledge may be the start of the path to wisdom, but “knowing” lots of stuff does not necessarily make me wise. allowing myself the freedom to choose between when and if i share a judgement, fosters a wiser and saner me.
just for today, i can be a bit more spiritual, a bit more sane and certainly a bit more circumspect about what i share with my family members, my peers and my acquaintances. not saying something even when i really, really want to, is a symptom of growth and not bragging about what i did not share, is even more evidence that something amazing is happening in my life, my transformation into someone i can respect is certainly part of that awakening and i will do what i can to foster that metamorphosis, just for today.

∞ DT ∞