Blog entry for:

of a spiritual nature was a quite unexpected result of living a program of recovery. there are more than a few people in my life that i really do not want to spend time with, these days. one or more of them, are trying to force themselves into my company and the harder they push, the more reasons i see for resisting their efforts. whining about my feelings, to someone else, has created an untenable situation and what was supposed to be “in confidence,” may have been shared. i am not sure, nor do i have any evidence that may be the case, i know what is happening and when it started happening, this morning i feel the spiritual choice, at least for me, is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and continue to move along.
what is happening,m i am quite sure, is that all the tiny little bits that have been nagging at my soul for quite some time, are being brought to the surface by the slow boiling rage i have been nourishing and protecting, that has its heart a resentment over my current employment status. where once i saw things as just a miscue or mistake, i am, now looking at them as evidence in a case i am building against whomever and whatever, happens to be part of that naughty and nice list, that seems to roll in my head non-stop.
letting go of my resentment, justified or not, will bring me back to the company of my fellows. letting go of my perceived betrayal of confidence is yet another thing i have to do, as i have no evidence that it actually happened. coincidences do happen and when i am distant, those who know me, may think they need to close that distance physically and emotionally. it just may be a result of my behavior and not what i told someone else, that has altered how others are behaving. ironically, as i was speaking to one of the men i sponsor yesterday, i was struck by his feelings over one of the men he has known for a minute and where their relationship is headed. the parallels between out two situations are remarkable, and i provided absolutely no guidance about where he might want to allow his relationship to go, because he did not ask. what i took away from our conversation is that i need to go on a bit of “time” diet in my dealings with one of my peers, until i sort out what i need to sort out, with the help of thew POWER that fuels my recovery.
one of the spiritual awakening i have had, is that when i do something nice for someone, anyone,. the last thing i do, is share about it. there was a time when i NEEDED the laud and praise of my peers and when i consciously made a choice i wanted everyone to know about it. today, for me, i see that as egotistical and conceit, certainly two traits in myself that i am not overly fond of, these days. i am starting to feel the focus of this set of steps and see that what i think may not be a true picture of reality. worst yet, i have not shared outside of my home group in over a month, for one reason or another and i am starting to wonder if my sharing “diet” is affecting my spiritual condition. i can say that i have not “heard” the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, as i sit in those moment of silence between the shares and that i am more than disgusted with those who seem to share just to crow about how “well” they have become or to hear the sound of their own voice. yes more than a teeny tiny bit of judgement there and certainly a symptom of my current condition. so first things first: LET GO ⇗ give myself a break ⇗ and allow whatever spiritual awakening that NEEDS to occur, to occur without my jumping in and trying to control it. i am seeing my first example of my writing assignment and am glad i had the opportunity to dump a bit of the bullshite that has been encumbering my soul. it is, after all, a great day to be on this side of the lawn.

∞ DT ∞