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self-seeking behavior when interacting with the world around me, means i certainly need to see who passes the two asshole test and who needs to amend their behavior. the answer to that question is most of the time, me, but of course, that finding has its exceptions as well. just in case one is unfamiliar with my version of the two asshole test, here it is: if i encounter a single asshole in my daily travels, chances are they are just that, as asshole. if on the other hand i encounter two or more assholes in a day, then it might be me, who is being the asshole. it seems in these self-entitled and self-centered days, that rule may need to have its minimum action point increased, but for the time being, i do believe i will keep it at two.
over the past few weeks, nay months, one of my peers has stood out for their totally self-centered behaviors and total state of denial. in fact, most of the time, i can barely remain civil when interacting with them, most of the time. i want to reach out and slap them soundly about the head and shoulders and say WHO the F*CK do you think you are and when the F*CK are you going to get a clue that your low self-worth will not be fixed by inviting yourself to events, where no one really wants you to be? i know all about living in a state of low self-worth and not being able to recognize the behaviors i was engaged in, to get outside validation for what i could not feel myself. today, when tempted to tell someone what i see, i can pause and keep my opinions to myself, as my motives for doing so, are at best mixed. save for those men i sponsor or my peers with whom i have a very tight and trusting relationship, i GET to practice the better part of valor.
how does all of that relate to symptoms of a spiritual awakening? well, for this addict, brutal honesty about what i observed in my peers, was a weapon of maintaining my illusion of being superior to all of those i encountered. kerning to recognize that tendency and “right-size” myself to world around me, has been a long and at time arduous process. that process is far from complete. what i do know is that the satisfaction i once derived from pointing out that someone was an asshole to their face has left me. that in and of itself is indicative of how much i have grown, since starting this recovery process. i think i will take my victories where i can and end on this note. clean time may not equal recovery but choosing to act contrary to what once my go-to behaviors, certainly is an indication of where i am sitting, just for today.

∞ DT ∞