Blog entry for:

in my life over the past eighteen months or so, have certainly been beyond any predictions i would have made, way back when. i know that the weight of those changes has triggered all sorts or reactions, some healthy and spiritual and some, not so much. i am finding myself to have a very “thin skin” when it comes to those with whom i share my life and every little sideways glance turns into an opportunity to become self-righteously indignant. what came up from the quiet this morning, is now that i no longer accept that the pain i get is something i deserve, because i am “broken,” i can learn to once again breathe, feel what i am feeling and let go, as i deserve to treat myself better than i have been doing. if i did not know better, i would say i am living a SEVENTH STEP, with all my shortcomings, once again being revealed.
i went to bed last night, bruised by the behavior of someone else and i woke up this morning, still feeling that burn. as i sat, however, i began to get the clarity i was seeking. it was not what happened that was chafing my hide, it was how i reacted to and internalized their actions, that was pissing me off. i allowed a minor slight to take over and possess me with such vehemence that i gave up all the personal power i had. i, as the saying goes, rented out far too much space in my head for something that was very insignificant. looking at my reaction and how i internalized that crap, i see that i still have a bit of work to do, and my feelings of inadequacy are a proxy for what i am truly feeling, FEAR that my Mom is spinning down into the gloom and i cannot affect any change it that direction. since i cannot seem to accept my powerlessness in that situation, i divert my attention elsewhere and my martyr complex kicks into full gear. i truly do not want to dwell in that house at all, and the awakening i had, as i got up and started getting my breakfast together, is that i can CHOOSE not to dwell there at all.
as i prepare to get dressed out and run my last 10K before the Bolder Boulder next week, i can see a path clear to being a better me and that does not include taking responsibility for stuff that is out of my control. that means when i accept that i have no power, to leave it there, feel sad and move along. the sun will rise, whether or not i get up and face it and the world will continue to spin, with or without my direction. awakening to the fact that i can affect some outcomes and the rest i have to leave in more capable hands, feels like a good mantra, just for today.

∞ DT ∞