Blog entry for:

as a result of accepting this fact. i depend others to help bridge the gaps in my understanding of things.
well quite honestly, i not only like to look that i am right all the time, it has been an obsession to the point of distraction, throughout my life. bit by bit, through the recovery process, this obsession, character defect, or inherent trait is being removed. quite truthfully i can say that the longer i stay clean, the less i seem to know.
yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds like that whole false humility gig, i get that, although, when i was much younger in recovery, i never understood what other memebers maent when they said it.
today, well today things are different, i KNOW that i am only right part of the time, and when i am, the need to pound someone to dust with that knowledge, being right, is no longer part of my vision of who i am. when it happens, and trust me it does, i end up doing the corrective part of STEP 10, hesitantly and sometimes not as promptly as i need to, but i do it nevertheless.
the reading talks about several causes and condtions, that feed this need. as i run through that litany of evil, i can identify with all of those. the steps, and only the steps, are what is removing them from me. as i journey to becoming the man i want to be, the insecurity of not being him, is removed. yes even though i am not genuine, whole and self-aware, yet, i am much more so than i have ever been in the past. just like i have been clean longer now than anytime in my life, including the years before i first picked-up, the person i am, changes each and every day i live a program of active recovery. a case in point, i have still not responede to the missive from hell i received from a friend somewhere between active addiction and active recovery. the desire to pound him to dust, with how right i am, has begaun to fade and what i am left with is empathy and a great deal of sadness, as i am not quite certain he can ever surrender enough to remake his life. that letter is on my to-do list, but not right now, even though the reading clearly gives me the template for writing it. come from a place of humility, own my imperfections and offer the love i feel and not react to the pain. it is however, time to hit the dusty trail and get headed over to my home group. yes i can be right about the balanace in the treasury, the rent that the group owes and a million ther things. what has cahnged is that i no longer need to shout it out for all to hear, i am clean and today that is rewrd enough.

∞ DT ∞