Some memes

about myself, i am probably not really enjoying what i am doing. i hate to think that my self-obsession get in the way of me enjoying whatever it is i happen to be doing, but as i considered this topic this morning, i could certainly see that as a fact of my life. i could back to my using days and see that i was more concerned about how i looked in the eyes of others, to actually enjoy myself. i also see that as being a theme throughout my recovery, as well. one would think after i was freed from having to hide who i was, that my self-obsessive behavior would have diminished to practically nil and for the most part is has. what the reading brought to the surface this morning, is that there are still situations where i am more concerned about what i think others think of me, than me being present in the here and now. it was kind of a rude awakening for me, and set the tone for me as i went down a path of obsession this morning, rather than sticking to my plan of the day.
as i move into my plan for this day, i feel less that satisfied about my behavior this morning, as i “forgot” to do the one thing my spouse asked me to do, wake her at seven AM. i want to be better at being present and i have a possible job opportunity to which i need to respond. yet i find myself consumed with an activity that does not further my plan and it sucks! what i want to do, is absolutely nothing and what i have to do, is get moving through my day, by finishing this task and moving into job search and skill building, neither of which are on the top of my “desire” stack. nevertheless, that day wears on, and i am ready to move on as well. the time has come to let go and take care of bidness.

∞ DT ∞