Blog entry for:

nothing was left but the ruin of my former self, such as it was. the real problem, at least as i see it every time i work through STEP 2, is what that former self really was. since the word restoration, means return to a previous state, what if i was always as sick as i was when i finally made ot to my first meeting, devoid of any ability to care about anyone buy myself? what it that self-centered, selfishness, was inherent in me and not cultured by a quarter century of using and abusing? the list goes on and on, what i am discovering as i stick around and do this gig, is that there had to be a time when i was not sick, and the process seems to be moving towards that state in its inexorable manner.
the point here, is that as i travel the road of active recovery, i am, seeing where i want to go, the only thing i cannot see is how i am going to get there. where i am today, is a result of doing this gig, day after day, and i really do hate when someone at a meeting talks about whoever got up the earliest has the most recovery today. my problem, is once i hear that phrase or any one of the hundreds of bumper stickers in the content that one of my peers is sharing, i tune-out. as a result, i often miss out on something that may be important, in the journey i am embarked upon, to become the man i have always wanted to be. that man, is more than my former self, and certainly m,ore than the pathetic creature that was sentenced to a life in recovery, all those days ago. diminishing my perseverance and dedication with something as trite as what time i got up this morning, is not only degrading, but one of those examples of false humility, that i am apt to practice. yes, my ego was way overinflated when i got here, but that does not me i need to humiliate myself on the altar of looking humble to my friends and peers. my days of self-abasement and willingly humiliating myself are gone, and the only way i can keep them gone, is through the active practice of a program of recovery AS I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT, by those who have walked this path before me.
anyhow, i do have some stuff to get done today, so i will end this little exercise, tirade, or what have you, with this final thought: today i am willing to do whatever it takes to live a program of active recovery, no matter what!

∞ DT ∞