Blog entry for:

is my belief in the POWER that fuels my recovery.
one of the motives i have for writing this little ditty, is to make someone think and actually have an emotional reaction. whether or not i achieve that goal from day to day, is not relevant, i mostly write here, what i feel i will not share in an open meeting of the fellowship that is giving me a new way of living. many of my topics are cross-talk or appear to be personal attacks, when all i am doing is stating my opinion. what one takes out of this, is really of no concern to me, as this exercise is to clear the stuff from me. that gift, comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and i am grateful that POWER's vision for me, is not to be one of the sheeple, mindlessly parroting the party line and moving along the conveyor belt of a prepackaged and predigested life experience. what i said about disagreeing with a member who i respect, does not mean that i respect that person any less, actually i like to hear opposing opinions, as it makes me examine my own and actually, when appropriate make the changes i need to make. that member was wrong, in my opinion, because they started from a flawed beginning by lifting stuff out of context. without understanding where something comes from, how can i possibly form valid opinions.
i got privately chided by a friend and peer in recovery, not necessarily for what i wrote yesterday, but for my behavior in the meeting the night before. i do agree, that carrying on a loud whispered conversation, or running dialogue during the meeting is wrong. whether or not an emotional reaction was inappropriate or not is a judgement call and one not my stuff. there was a whole lot more to my private message, but after sleeping on it, i have already said enough.
my first reaction to to reach out, grab them by the throat and throttle them to withing an inch of their death. “how dare they!?” i usually do not soften the blow, by using softer kinder terms, when i disagree with someone, it just is not part of who i am. the response i typed up and was ready to send yesterday, did more than deliver the message of what i was feeling, it escalated the battle and was a defensive reaction to someone i respect, calling me out for misbehavior. as much as i like to think that i am a living example of what the program can do for someone, i am also childish and immature, which does not look like it is going to change much, at least in the near term. in fact, for the first time in my life, i am finally taking myself far less seriously than ever before. that does not mean, i am becoming any softer or gentler when it comes to recovery. not following the suggestions, as they have come down from the oral tradition that is sponsorship, in my opinion, is not controversial behavior, it is setting myself apart from the pack, because somehow i am different. each and every time i did so nearly led to my demise, so i see the practicality in doing what i am told, in this regard. the POWER that fuels my recovery, has seen fit to provide mew, all i need, right here in the fellowship that is my life. i do not need to seek outside help nor do i need to treat addiction, by any other method. yes i am fortunate in this regard, and as a result, i have come to see THE program as unifying and THE path, to becoming a better me. what others do? well they do what they do, for whatever reasons they choose to do so. it is my opinion that they are depriving themselves, but, opinions like assholes belong to me and most of the time are full of sh!t. i am a true believer, and if you get down to it a sheeple in this respect, as everything i thought was wrong with the fellowship and the program, was me resisting what i needed to be a part of this process.
i am grateful that i no longer have the desire to wear the mantle of a spiritual guru, and resist the notion of becoming a dinosaur in recovery, after all, we all know what happened to those over-sized reptiles. i am human. i am a man. i am an addict. and i am working a program of recovery. i make no apologies for any of that. when i misbehave, i need to be called out, directly and to the point. i may not like the feedback i am receiving, i may react defensively, but in the long run, i will more than likely see the point and submit that part of me to the program that is manifesting these changes in my life.
in my experience, as it is stated in the literature, “we have never seen a person fail who lives this program.” i am doing my best to live a program and am grateful that this program led me to a belief in a POWER stronger than addiction in my life but i could go on and on. what i will say in conclusion is that i am grateful that someone took the time with me, way back when to give me the basics and allowed me the freedom to explore more than one dead end options, as i started my walk in this recovery journey. today, i can think for myself and i am grateful and one with the fellowship that provides for my new life.

∞ DT ∞