Blog entry for:

quite the lazy morning going on, although i am getting my weekly chores done, i am in a mood to do nothing at all. i have a few things on my plate, first and foremost to write this little exercise and be grateful for all that i have and more importantly some of the stuff i do not have.
today i have a program that brings stability and constancy to my life. my 11TH step yesterday was far from satisfactory, as when i completed it, i realized it was all about something i have no power over, the behaviors of someone else. when i sat this morning, i thought it might go in a similar direction, as the events of the last 36 hours seemed to dictate, but in the end, it came back to me and my relationship with my peers, my program of recovery and the POWER that fuels my recovery. without going into any details, what i am feeling this morning, is quite different than what i was feeling yesterday, although the events were much more evident and quite a bit more real, than the subtle what the f-ck, going on in my world yesterday. the gratitude i am feeling, is that i am not trying to step in and fix anything. in fact, fixing or understanding the cause and conditions is not at all what i am about right here and right now. as the day goes on, i may get some clarity, but for right now, all of that is not my stuff, and i am grateful for the fact that it is not mine to deal with, at least in the here and now. i did say i was grateful for a lot of things that are not part of my life today. i do NOT need to prove i am worth recovery to myself or anyone else today. nor do i need to launch into deep and meaningful discussions about life the universe and everything. today all of that, just is.
there was a time, twenty-four hours ago, when i thought that i could “force” a recalcitrant peer, to return to the fold, as it were. the anger i felt at someone else taking over my serenity was really anger and frustration at myself, as my lengthy 10TH step revealed last night. there are times when i believe that i have way more power to exercise and apply than i really do. when my head pops out of my a$$, i see it is just me, pretending to be what i am not. i have not reached a plane of higher spiritual existence. i do not know more than anyone else and all i can do, with respect to my peers, is offer what i have and surrender their acceptance of those offerings into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. nope, i just another addict in recovery and extraordinary as that may be, others, including some of my peers, miss that point. life does not “force” to use substances. the rooms are not filled with hypocrites that have formed cliques. living a life based on spiritual principles does not preclude me from being an a$$hole. i am only as different as i think i am, and for that little piece of wisdom, i am grateful as well. i know that just as i have to show up with my tools in hand to keep my job and prepared to do what tasks are asked of me, so i must show up for my recovery as well. my employers are not going to pay me for showing up when i want to and disappearing for hours on end, even when i think i have everything done that i need to do. the same holds true of recovery. the rooms may be a bit more forgiving, but if i find myself time and again, in a situation that overwhelms me, than it is me who must make the changes that may be required. just because i have grey eyes, does not mean i see the reality any differently as someone who has brown eyes. if i want what i see others having, than i must do what they did. that principle applies in life as well as recovery. i am truly grateful for that realization as well, as i have found there are no magic wands nor does the part of me i call addiction, ever seem to go away.
what i am most grateful for today, is the ability to allow myself to be okay, live in the grace of the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and accept that things are just the way they are supposed to be. so as i stepped away and went about getting my stuff done, i had a realization. once upon a time, when i had just completed my 9Th step amends to my ex-wife, i shared in a meeting how i was “born again single because the Church in its infinite mercy had annulled my marriage.” what was meant to be clever and a joke, ended up hurting the woman i loved. i know then, what i was doing, was playing to crowd, and my gratitude came off as hurtful and without any redeeming value. way back then, i can tell you i was butt-hurt because she did not “get it” what i see now, through the lens of hindsight was that it was cold, cruel and callous and really had no redeeming value. yes i was grateful i could finally make my amends to my ex-wife. yes, i was grateful for something being erased from my permanent record. what i was not, was humble or considerate and that has certainly been an event that i often think back to, when i am about to open my mouth to share. i am grateful that i can see my mistakes and learn how not to repeat them. most of all i am grateful that i am still with the love of my life and i get to celebrate thirteen years of a relationship i was incapable of having, when i got to the rooms.
so as the daylight burns, i really do need to move on to the next task of doing as little as possible today. it is a great day to look at what i have and what i do not have, and be grateful that i have the means to be something more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞