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these four words sum up exactly what keeps me coming back, even years after the desire to use has been lifted from me. any pressure i felt to conform in how i viewed **GOD** or my spiritual path, came from within me and was not a result of peer pressure. it is true, that i want to “fit” in and that my struggles of coming to believe, often made me feel like an outsider, but not a single one of my peers, in the fellowship that has become my home, has ever once said: “you know, it would be better if only you believed…”
my journey to finding a path to a relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery, is far from unique. the only part of it that makes it out of the ordinary, was my resistance to allowing it to happen. that resistance was lifted by working with a sponsee, who had a different spiritual path and struggles as i did, to reconcile what he felt with what the program seemed to require, he has since moved on and i certainly hope he has found what he needs wherever he has ended up. as i spoke of what is said, over and over again, i finally listened to my own words and realized that i, like him, would never be able to reconcile how i saw my spiritual path with the one the majority of my peers seem to favor. instead of forcing myself into constraints that were not required, i finally gave myself permission to take whatever direction that i saw before me. that paradigm shift has made all the difference and i can truly say that today, i am grateful for the relationship i have come to discover, with the HIGHER POWER i choose to call the POWER that fuels my recovery.
as i was returning from my service commitment last night, i got to speak with one of the men who call me their sponsor. we spoke of many things and as a result, i got to share with him, my obsession with my $0.79 fix on Friday after my nicotine level test. we both cracked up over the whole notion and shared a moment where he got to see his sponsor's frailty and i got to feel the release of the obsession that had me by the cajones for the past thirty-six hours. i still may play that out to the end, but just for today, i will let it go and allow myself the freedom to be a better partner and celebrate the anniversary with my significant other. tomorrow will come soon enough and if i allow myself the freedom to see myself as one who does not smoke, perhaps i will not resort to that convenience store fix after dropping my sample. just for today, i think i will surrender that notion to GOD and see what happens. after all, what is the point of developing a relationship for which i am grateful, if i choose not to rely on it?

∞ DT ∞