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i stay clean, GET to live in an **attitude of gratitude,** even though there are elements of living life on its own terms i may not find to my liking. as i sat this morning it was not the loving HIGHER POWER part of the reading that kept bubbling up to the top. i am grateful that over the course of my days clean, i finally came into a spiritual path that i could own. as much as i would like to blame the fellowship and my peers for that particularly long and arduous journey, the facts in this matter, is was my own reluctance to be “different” that kept me from embracing that path when i first started leaning in that direction. as much as i protest about how independent i may be and how i do not rely on the opinions of others for my self-esteem, i still did my best to conform to the concept of a HIGHER POWER, i believed was shared by my peers. step work, step work, step work finally opened my mind to the notion that my concept need not look like that of anyone else's. the gratitude i feel about that today, comes from the fellowship itself. no matter how hard i thought i had to “conform” the truth is, it was my problem all along, as the tradition in the fellowship that i find my recovery in, is total creative freedom when it comes to a spiritual path and a concept of a HIGHER POWER. enough of what i did not hear this morning and on to what did come up.
where the notion of gratitude took me to this morning is how do i express that gratitude in my daily life. true, this sounds more like a 10Th step question then something to look at in my 11th. nevertheless, it was what kept bubbling up. in my life, i seem to take for granted the life i have been given since i got clean. even all those days of mere abstinence and my active involvement in trying to be “different” brought gifts to my life. i know all about self-sponsoring, disqualifying myself and blaming external events and people for what was going on internally. coming to a place where i could finally become a “part of” was a result of being finally given a gift of desperation, as i was bound to get high after returning from my little trip to the fantasy land that was New Jersey. i had reached a place where i could no longer drift along, pretending i had the desire to stay clean and that i had the desire to follow a proven way to do more than just stay clean. if not for the painful lesson of “white-knuckling” for those terrible two hours, i would have been way gone by now. i take for granted the lessons of those hours and come to believe that i play a larger role in my active recovery, than i really do.
changes to my program, may be coming. just for today, however i can live what i have and leave tomorrow or even what may come in the next sixty minutes, up to what may be. it is a good day to be clean and to take care of what i need to care for today.

∞ DT ∞