Blog entry for:

that fuels my recovery for each day clean, no matter what has happened that day?
ironically, this is a habit i picked up in my first thirty days clean, that has stuck with across the course of the days that make up my recovery journey. as i move through the prayer issue i have been stuck in, it is a wonderment about how persistent this very thought has been since my figurative “dawn of time.” even when i lacked FAITH and certainly lacked conviction, this theme was there, and as i look at that notion, i feel that this strengthening of my FIRST STEP is the spiritual “rebar” that adds the strength to my recovery foundation.
there has been a theme running through my head lately, when i let go of the prayer gig, that goes something like this: “what is so different about who i am and how i live a program that puts me into the never relapsed class?” i know that i am far from the only addict to have ever made it this long since my last use, without picking up and i certainly will not be the last. what i am beginning to see this coming down to is two things and both of them are encompassed in the FIRST STEP.

• ONE) i am an addict, PERIOD!
• TWO) i NEED an outside power stronger than addiction to stay clean.

so with those two notions, very firmly planted in my head today, i seek guidance from outside. no i am not in bad company when i think, active recovery has been very good in diminishing that reality. i live in the real world, surrounded by people who can and do use, successfully. no matter how long i stay clean, i will not be able to imbibe with them, without serious consequences. in fact one of my co-workers asked me if i minded them hanging out enjoying a craft brewed beverage yesterday afternoon. i know he was being polite, as they all know i do NOT drink. yes, i want to enjoy a Russian Imperial Stout with me peers at work, but i have seen what happens when i try and do just one. i never could in the past, why would today be any different? that is what i get for driving home the point, twice a day, that i am clean through a POWER that fuels my recovery.
anyhow, am i grateful that there is that bit of order in this chaotic world? when i put it that way, yes i am. these days, i may be able to survive in chaos, but i am not the center of the chaos storm. i may not look, feel or act like i am fifty-seven years old, but i am starting to see, that in active addiction, i squandered many opportunities. today, as a member of the NO MATTER WHAT club, i get the opportunity to recreate the days i lost in a chemical haze, and i get that opportunity through the POWER that fuels my recovery, in that i have FAITH and for which i can be grateful for, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞