Blog entry for:

to believe in something more than the injustice of a cold, cruel dog-eat-dog world was yet another thing i never thought was possible, when i started to look at becoming an addict in recovery. it is not as if i walk around wearing rose-colored glasses with my head in the clouds these days, i still see all sorts of less than stellar events, actions and behaviors in and around me on a daily basis. what i do get, however, in my belief that there is something more, is the ability to search for and find that part of my human experience that is wholesome and good, rather than seeing only the negative elements that make up everything. as i get rolling through this day i need to remember that like myself, most everyone around me is doing the best they can do with what they have.
as i was at my Mom's house yesterday afternoon, she actually attempted, no matter how clumsily, to engage me in conversation. she is still quite clueless about who i am and how i live my life, save for the glimpses i allow her to see on social media. until she asks me something that really matters, instead of something that is just “starting a conversation” i am not willing to open that door into my life. she lives quite blithely in a world where TV and tablet games fill her days. i have yet to come to believe that she is sincere in her desire to be a part of my life and her feeble attempts to do so, do very little to convince me otherwise. i may not be the world's most socially adept person, but i am savvy enough these days to realize when i am being dragged into a quid pro quo, and in this one i am not sure i am willing to pay the price.'
the most amazing thing for me, on this day, is that i have been in a relationship with someone for twenty years. it has had its ups and downs, for sure, but each and every day i feel a sense of gratitude that i am waking up with someone i love, next to me in bed. part of my spiritual and physical fitness program is to foster that relationship by being the best partner i can be. my Dad taught me all about being co-dependent and certainly enabled my Mom into the life she has chosen. part of the failure of my first marriage was my attempt to enable my wife in the manner i had seen modeled by my Dad and to tell the truth i was miserable and always seeking something outside of that relationship. today i know the difference between building an equal relationship and enabling a sick one. i choose to live in one based on a partnership rather than one based on earning power stereotypical roles that no longer fit reality.
ah but i digress. i have gone down a rabbit-hole. the fact is i am okay today. i have the desire to be better spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. with that on the top of my head, i think i will post this little ditty and get out and about. i am okay with where i am today and okay with where i may be going, just for today.

∞ DT ∞