Blog entry for:

can make all the difference when the going gets tough!
at the risk of falling into a trap, i will simply state, that what i think of, when i consider the POWER that fuels my recovery, does not look anything like what others seem to think that GOD is, and it certainly has no roots in the religion of my youth. i will, for the sake of brevity and because i am lazy, use the term GOD in this little ditty of a random, or semi-random, brain dump. as someone who has struggled with this whole HIGHER POWER concept from the get go, i understand that some who stumble across this may find it a bit disturbing that i use the term , GOD so liberally in the writing below.
now that my disclaimer is out of the way: GOD, GOD, GOD!
yes, i am a brat from time to time, as well. this morning, i almost missed what i needed to hear as i read the daily reading. the parts about what i already do, as part of my day, asking GOD for the power to stay clean and thanking GOD, for that gift, made me skim over the really important [part for me, gratitude for having built a bit of FAITH and having the desire to continue to deepen my relationship with GOD. i really never consider how much of a gift that FAITH is, and that acknowledging that i may feel grateful for it, is even further from my mind. honestly when i started this gig, it was all about doing what i was told, like some sort of automaton or recovery robot. my first sponsor said do it and so it on my knees, and i was desperate enough and yes superstitious enough that i did just do it. though naive, i did not realize back in those first ninety days, that everything i NEEDED to learn about recovery was given to me. in those second ninety days, my growing dis-ease and malaise, finally pushed me off the fence and into a place where i was willing to do almost anything. one might consider it a mild form of Stockholm syndrome, with the difference being, that i was being held hostage by the justice system and the rooms of recovery were my captors guards and my tormentors. by the end of those first six months all i wanted was freedom from the obsession to use, and i finally did more than just go through the motions, i actually surrendered top the fact that unless i gave up the notion of being different, i would never find any relief. not that i came much closer to GOD, on that day, but it certainly was a major shift within me, and that started the process of me actually seeking a path of recovery, where i did not have to alter the language, talk about a substance or pretend that i empathized or even understood what the FVCK they were talking about.
from that day forward, i could have and still should be grateful, that i could finally start to see some sort of concept of the POWER that fuels my recovery today. as i sit here, i am grateful that i was given enough grace from GOD, to stay clean long enough to achieve that spark of FAITH, that has grown into the core of my belief system today.
i could go on, but as i am grateful for the opportunity to support myself financially, i need to jump into a shower and head out to work. that too, is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery, it is true that i had to do footwork, but in my life that is who things work. i get an opportunity and if i am awake for it, i may get my heart's desire, which may also end up being EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TODAY. it is after all a great day to be grateful for the opportunity to march through this twenty-four.

∞ DT ∞