Blog entry for:

to relieve my fear of life.
this morning, i actually listened to what was going on inside, and what i heard was a growing discomfort with life as it is today. the little things that are bothering me are all outside issues and distractions form what is going on inside. lately, it has been what others are saying or not saying, doing or not doing, that has been in the forefront of my consciousness and not my actions that have been important. although concern about others and what the world is doing is important, it is not a place for me to hone in with laser-like accuracy upon, but it certainly does provide a manner of shifting around my priorities to get away with stuff that i hardly would say is spiritual. as i sit here this morning i realize that my TENTH and ELEVENTH STEPS have just been a matter of habit, rather than the focus of living a program, and worry has taken center stage, disguised by what i see is wrong with everything and everyone else surrounding me. so the real question is what the FVCK i am so afraid of, that i have to divert my attention from it, with manufactured events and pet peeves? where did my self-will creep back in? most importantly, how do i get back on the track?
looking over my feelings, and behaviors, it has not been like i have raging like some sort of storm, wreaking the sort of havoc i did in active addiction, or even in the earlier carnations of the man i have become, no the damage and the actions have been working on a more subtle, harder to detect level. the tools that i have been taught to use, to detect such subtle diversions, have been focused elsewhere and bit by minute, almost on a spiritually molecular level, i have moved off of the path i want to take. i guess, as i am discovering, that is the curse of having some time clean. just like the major changes were not evident to me, in the earlier phases of my recovery, the minor shifts were not evident either, until they piled up enough for me to really see what is going on. so what have i not done, that i have done in the past? well for one, i have been sitting on a step for way too long, always telling myself i lacked the time to do the writing and move forward. while it is true, time is something i have little of these days, i still manage to waste enough of it, with a clear conscience, justifying and rationalizing away those behaviors and minimizing the effects upon who and what i am. the sponsees who have wandered off the path are the perfect mirror to what is going on inside of me, and a lesson i have been ignoring at my own peril.
all of this GOD stuff over the past few weeks, the recurrent theme of the readings, is telling me that i have drifted further away from the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, than i can comfortably afford to do.
awareness if the first step towards actin, and with my growing awareness, i can return my will and my life into the care of that POWER and divert my path back to the spiritual, one day at a time. the task ahead is not easy, but is certainly is simple, do what i know to be right, be present for what is going on in the world and allow myself the freedom to become the person i have always wanted to be, one thought, one minute and one day at a time. so off to the showers as i my laundry finishes its cycle and i get rolling into my day.

∞ DT ∞