Blog entry for:

of a lack of FAITH? i have to admit, i dislike writing about FEAR as much as i dislike writing about surrender. to say anything else would be more than a bit disingenuous. when i came to recovery is was fearless, as i had numbed all my sensibilities away, hit by hit, across the course of twenty-five years. my biggest fear, back in those days was the from the consequences of living life “large,” nostalgically recalling my days of using. i was afraid of being sent to prison and afraid of life without the crutch of whatever happened to be in the bottle, the pipe or the needle. those days are long gone and living in FEAR is a real thing for me now. it is not as if i walk around each and every day jumping at shadows, but i do have more than a modicum of concern about what may be coming down the pike. when i choose to live a program of active recovery and have a little bit of FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the opportunities to get everything i need, i certainly can breathe a bit easier.
FEAR or FAITH or the combination of those two in my life was not what i heard this morning as i sat. what bubbled up from the depths and popped off the stack was something i heard one of my peers say at one of the two meetings i ended-up going to yesterday. specifically that they lived their life as if they were in a do or die playoff situation every single day and HAD TO WIN. it explains a whole lot about why interactions with them were so less than stellar, as i could have certainly been seen as an obstacles that they needed to get past to “win” particular game. it almost felt as if they were trying to use a bit of smoke and mirrors and psychobabble to excuse their behavior, at least that is how it felt to me this morning as i pondered what it would be like to live in that manner. in the long run, they lost and the result of their loss was something that could have been done was left undone and without their constant presence fell apart. in the long run, looking through that particular lens, i “won” and i see it as a very pyrrhic victory, hollow and empty. it was not a “win” i had to have but it does feel good to know that in the long game i was correct and it was a good thing to acknowledge defeat in that particular battle and walk away.
this morning, as i get ready to head on out and pound my weekly 10K, i can see that living in the here and now does not preclude taking the long view of stuff. it does not mean i have to faithfully wait to have what i need delivered to my doorstep with little or no effort on my part. FAITH, at least for me, means that i can walk forward in the knowledge that i may be unable to determine the future, but IF i look at my long term goals, i can adjust my short term ones to be more realistic. i have FAITH that everything i NEED today will be provided.

∞ DT ∞