Blog entry for:

of a lack of FAITH in my life? an interesting question, as i question whether or not i made the correct move a few months ago. today, well, today i am playing that one by ear as the cliché goes, as it is becoming different than it has been, just need to clean up a mess i made last week, even though it is not really something i did wrong, but it has the appearance of me doing something wrong. yes, all of this stuff i have been letting go of about appearing to be better than i am, and then i discover that my boss is all about appearances. even though i am in the office for 8½ hours a day, which adds up to two or two and half unpaid hours a week, he is all butt hurt that i actually took it off. so today, i will alter my time sheets to reflect the actual hours i am in the office, and remove those two hours from this week's time sheet, to soothe his sensibilities. it has been quite some time, since i actually worked for a time clock kind of boss, and i am not all that certain i care for it, but it is what it is.
there certainly is some fear AROUND THIS POSITION, and part of it, well most of it, is about whether or not i have the skill-set they are looking for. in this slow bit at work, i am trying to shore up my skills, but as i do, i also wonder if i really want to be here. it certainly was a leap of faith to jump ship, when they were ready to give me everything i wanted and now i wonder and am a bit anxious about my future.
which brings me back to the reading, am i allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, or am i slipping back into self will in this respect? i certainly am in the mood to cut and run, before they let me go, as i can see that unless i get comfortable with sitting at my desk for exactly eight hours every single day, i will not be going anywhere further in this position. perhaps, that is just the lesson i NEED to take away, that for everything i think i want, there is a price to be paid. the price here, is a return to an atmosphere of tick-tock, i am on the clock, the pay off for me, was a huge bump in salary and now i am at the place that i am beginning to wonder if it was worth it.
oh well, as i still have a position, and i do understand the culture here, it is time to shower off and head on out for another day at the office. if i pay attention, i am certain the next right thing for me to do, will be revealed.

∞ DT ∞