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a year ago i was afraid that the nicotine test would trip me up, these days, after passing that annual little piece of bidness, i am not all that concerned. i am seeing that FEAR drives me to have the desire to chomp on a cigar. i justify that by saying it is an activity i enjoy, especially when i am sitting with friends and associates in a social situation. i do see, however, it goes way beyond the **social** aspect for me and it really is something i need to face rather than sweeping it under the carpet as irrelevant, with a ton of rationalizations and flat-out lies. where i generally go is, “i am not hurting anyone else and at least i am not using.”
enough of that old bidness, as i am certainly aware of the discord that creates in my life. what i heard this morning was more about getting over myself and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me the strength and courage to start writing this dang FOURTH STEP. i am starting to realize that my desire to change stuff is a way to avoid doing what i know i need to do. i am no less stuck than the two peers i have been witnessing caught in the whirlwind of their fears and self-will. it sucks being a witness to that stuff, but the point it serves is that i get to use their examples of what is going on in my internal landscape. the maelstrom of FEAR that is gripping me, is not nearly as obvious, but it certainly quite destructive. my reaction to the fear i feel, is self-harm and tobacco fills that role quite nicely, as it certainly changes the way i feel.
this morning, as i prepare to get out and face the world, i might be able to better recognize where my self-will is dominating my life and allow a little bit of caring for my will and my life from the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is a good day to be clean and it is time for me to let go of the FEAR that i am allowing to define who and what i am. my vision of the person i wish to becomes does not look like a coward, cowering in the corner, smoking his brains out. perhaps it is time to let go and foster rather than impede that process of transformation.

∞ DT ∞