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is something i thought i did without fail, all of my life. in fact, in active addiction, in my period of abstinence and even after a decade or so clean, i lived a life based on social strata that followed the rules i concocted in my head. as i lacked the ability to value myself, i HAD TO assign a value to everyone i met and interacted with and as a result treated others as inferior, to be scoffed at or superior to be sucked up to. as i grew in acknowledging my own self-worth, my need for an overly defined social stratum declined and today, i may yet be far from practicing equality with everyone i meet, i am much closer to that ideal.
i have to admit i am far more balanced and sane than i ever thought possible, after the twenty-four hours i have had. the death of my Mom, the family drama and my rush to get stuff in process, before jetting off to Africa, certainly has taken its toll on me. and yet, this morning as i look at my way to large pile of stuff to pack, i am calm and mostly serene. i now see that my Mom, choosing to die yesterday was a gift and as i process my grief, i will come to be grateful for that, as now i am freed to climb and concentrate on that endeavor. this will be the last time for two weeks i write this from the comfort of my own home and although i may be excited to be doing something i once thought was impossible, the doubts of my “fitness” physical and emotional, are starting to roar in my head right here and right now, i have to accept that there is nothing more i can do to be prepared and allow myself the freedom to “feel” that everything will be alright. that is certainly a tough road for me to trod upon, so i guess it is time to post this little missive to the world and get moving on the task at hand, packing up, loosening up, cleaning up and being okay with where i am going, just for today.

∞ DT ∞