Blog entry for:

my FEAR of life, just for today. i often wonder, and today is part of that **often** do i really have any sort of **high quality** recovery, or am i just feeding off the junk food, of slogans, bumper stickers and bon-mots? i certainly can recite chapter and verse from most of the recovery literature that the fellowship has published since its inception, but are knowing those words and phrases, really “living the program?” yes, this morning i seem to be caught in an existential crisis of sorts. i KNOW a few things for certain and living the program for me, may just be walking through this day and doing no harm. which of course brings me back to the question that started this whole chain.
as i stop and pause for a second, i can see that where FEAR of not getting what was mine, once ruled my every waking moment, that FEAR has morphed, at least right now, into a FEAR of not doing this recovery gig, good enough or diligent enough. looking at all the minutes of the days that are not filled with thinking about using, could be one measure of how “well” i am doing my recovery, but that seems to be the rule, rather than the exception these days. i just do not consider a little drop of poison the solution too any of the minor annoyances of living or the angst i sometimes feel about how well i may be doing. if “not thinking about using,” is a measure of success, then hell, i am there. i got it made and can move along. unfortunately, that may have once been a very good measure, but today, at least in my amazing magnifying mind it falls way short, as that is the new normal for me. what i seem to be seeking this morning and perhaps since i was given my latest writing assignment, is a new standard by which to gauge the success or failure of my recovery. or at least that is what i tell myself.
what i really seem to be seeking is an escape hatch, as members with decades clean seem to be the exception, rather than the rule. the paths i can see are pretty much distasteful to me. i can go into a life of self-promotion, whining about this group or that not giving me my due, when i show up every now and again to collect it. i can go to a life that embraces all that i have been given as a result of FREEDOM from active addiction and re-enter society with a vengeance. leaving the rooms behind me. OR, as i seem to choose to do, sit still, shut-up and allow my head to catch-up with my heart. in my heart, i know i am doing much better that i want to admit, and that the angst i think i feel, is merely a creation of the part of me i call addiction. if i can build a good enough case for moving on, i can use again and invite the chaos i have left behind to take hold once again. the case i want to build is against the effort i put into my daily recovery and HOW i live a program it starts with “IF this is as good as it is going to get…” which is all about the FEAR of what it really means, this time, to inventory my powerlessness and own that fact as i walk through my day. certainly food for thought, as i wrap this up, and start my journey down south for another day at the grindstone, as it were. it is a good day to be clean, and maybe, just maybe i can let go of my FEAR that what i am doing is barely adequate and celebrate the fact that i am actually taking care of the part of my life that allows me the FREEDOM to choose.

∞ DT ∞