Blog entry for:

have i taken control again, only to find my life still unmanageable? **
good questions, especially today, as i have had to send off a check to the federal government for my estimated taxes, ARGH! the fact that i sent the check off is an indication that i am practicing a spiritual principle or two, and the fact that i actually saved the money to do so is also evidence of living a program, and that i am becoming a responsible and productive member of society. does that lessen my fear? a bit, i am always anxious when i deal with the government, even though i am doing the next right thing, at the very last minute. so anyhow, enough about the the facts of life and into what i got from the reading this morning.
there are two paths i can go down or perhaps it is only a single path. what i heard was that my FAITH in the care of a HIGHER POWER can replace my FEAR of life itself. as i have progressed in my recovery, i find myself, less fearful these days. i seem to feel a connection with something greater than my senses can quantify, and that connection calms me when i am afraid. that same connection seems to also be a conduit for the things i NEED to hear and FEEL in real-time. for me, i need to remember, today as well as every day, the damage i do when i decide that some part of my life is under my control. unfortunately, even though i make a conscious choice to surrender all of my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER before i hit the streets, i still find myself thinking that somehow, i can handle events and situations with my will alone. i have yet to move into the constant application of that daily decision, i catch myself lapsing into self-will =on a constant basis. perhaps that is just a function of being human, perhaps it is an indication that my disease is still active, or perhaps it just is, and will continue to be so until the day i shuffle off this mortal coil. why really does not matter, my task is recognize this behavior in the her and now and amend my behavior accordingly. i know that fear is a reactive feeling to the world around me, and i also no to be fearless is hardly a desirable state to live in. i was fearless when i was using. the substances and my behaviors replaced fear with a whole lot of undesirable things, things that nearly destroyed me before i had the chance to recover. so instead of trying to live without FEAR, i try to recognize FEAR and see if it is based in reality, and if it is not, a quick foxhole prayer and a bit of thought about WHO is really running the show can give me the courage to walk forward in life.
anyhow, it is off to the races and into the real world to see if i can accomplish a few things today, and you know what, i am less anxious than when i started writing this. it is a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞