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self-will is a frightening, unmanageable experience. after coming out of an extreme bout and dealing with consequences that are far beyond my liking, i can say that i NEED to let go of all that i think is under my control and power. as i sat this morning it came to me, that what my greatest FEAR happens to be, is that somehow i will not be taken care of by the POWER that fuels my recovery. when that FEAR overshadows everything else, then self-will becomes my go to place. it feels neither frightening nor unmanageable, in fact it feels just like it did in the old days, when i thought that using was just something i liked to do, not something i HAD to do. trying to get the funds together to go places that i have never been, is not a bad thing. falling for two scams and dropping money that i had to borrow, is where self-will took over. what i realized that what sounded too good to be true, was exactly that, a way to part me from money that i did not have. learning how to live well within my means, has meant that i have to accept what i have and continue to do what i need to do, to get myself back to the comfort level i once had. perhaps this side job will come in. perhaps i will finally start getting gigs on freelancer.com. for sure, i need to continue to reign in my spending and live within my budget. up until eight months ago, that was never a consideration and if i was one to look at divine retribution for my transgressions, i could easily conclude that my unexpected expenses were punishment for being an idiot and not following my heart. what i feel instead, is that yes i made more than a single mistake. yes i overexerted my self-will, BUT if i allow myself the FREEDOM to be present, i will get my life back to the place it once was, but not nearly as quickly as i desire.
i am not a huge fan of absolutes and this whole tobacco gig, is driving me insane. most of the time, i do really well, allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep my desire to smoke at bay. when i get frustrated or stressed, instead of pausing and connecting, i feel the NEED to light up. physically, emotionally and spiritually, i know the better choice is to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery the opportunity to remove my desire and stay tobacco free, just for today. that however, does not happen quick enough or often enough, so i discover myself using more than a few of the tricks that i used in those seven months between my first meeting and my clean date. self-deception about how much power the substance has and how i lie my way into thinking i will be “better” if only i take just one more. perhaps, tomorrow i may be able to do so, today however, i know that to exercise self-will in this instance will not bring me the results i desire, which is a $200 a month savings.
and so it goes, for me, living this THIRD STEP is beginning to wear me down and i am finally starting to see, that ceasing the struggle, is perhaps ta better plan of action. letting go of the FEAR that i will not be taken care of, unless i take care of everything myself, is certainly the manner i choose to live my life, right here and tight now. what happens in twenty minutes, is still a mystery which i will explore when that time comes.

∞ DT ∞