∫ living on self-will is frightening, unmanageable ∫
Posted: Fri, Jan 15, 2010 07:56:45 AM
in recovery, i have turned my will and my life safely over to the care of a HIGHER POWER. most of the time anyhow. to do so 100% of the time is a skill i am still learning to apply. what keeps me from being 100% at the whole turning my will and life over gig? FEAR of course! even though there is ample evidence in my recovery and active addiction that i do not always know what is nest for me. even though there is ample evidence that SOMETHING has been protecting me from my own lunacy. even though there is ample evidence that i GET what i NEED on a daily basis, i am still reluctant to let go at times and live in FAITH. whether that reluctance is the result of being human or being an addict is irrelevant, it is what it is. the nice part is recently i have been given the opportunity to see the results of living on self-will. there are a few living examples that are currently part of my daily life, and the amazing thing is they are so obtuse to the insanity and chaos that they create in living the way they are, when i see them, i look to my program and my life to see if i too, am living in the delusion of self-will run riot. what i discover is far from shocking, it may be more subtle, the effect on my life lass obvious, but there it is nevertheless, out in plain sight for everyone but me to see!
i could allow myself to be ashamed of such behavior, beating myself up for knowing better, and i do! or i can ignore and minimize what i find, sweeping it back under the carpet, which i also do. OR i can acknowledge, that yes i am insane, yes i am living in self-will because i am afraid to allow a HIGHER POWER to work in my life, take a deep breath and move back into the FAITH necessary to live in the Third Step. i am sure if i sat down and really concentrated i could come up with more alternatives, but once again my time has slipped away and i need to get out into the streets.
so i will sign-off with the HOPE that FAITH will replace FEAR in my life today and i will walk the path of surrender that living a THIRD STEP requires.
i could allow myself to be ashamed of such behavior, beating myself up for knowing better, and i do! or i can ignore and minimize what i find, sweeping it back under the carpet, which i also do. OR i can acknowledge, that yes i am insane, yes i am living in self-will because i am afraid to allow a HIGHER POWER to work in my life, take a deep breath and move back into the FAITH necessary to live in the Third Step. i am sure if i sat down and really concentrated i could come up with more alternatives, but once again my time has slipped away and i need to get out into the streets.
so i will sign-off with the HOPE that FAITH will replace FEAR in my life today and i will walk the path of surrender that living a THIRD STEP requires.
∞ DT ∞