Blog entry for:

self-will is a frightening, unmanageable experience, watching my peers do so, is no less disconcerting. this morning, as i knock this out before heading over to my home group, i certainly know that i made a conscious decision to sleep in, eat breakfast and go tot he grocery store, rather than working out in dawn's early light. this first week of being unemployed has taken its toll on my sanity and certainly tempted me to be creative about how i present myself to my prospective employers. i may have an interview on Wednesday, but between now and then, i will continue to enhance my skills and be better prepared for what may come. what i am finding is that IF i get out of the house and spend a few hours in the cigar bar, i can get my training in and feel better about who i am. i have to admit that i thought i was better at not defining myself by having a job and what that job paid me. i just may need to have a bit of a conversation with my sponse about that.
moving into the here and now, i really am doing my best to listen and respond, rather than react to how i perceive others, especially my loved ones, family members and peers. i am lacking a bit in that department. i do remember that not having a job is an area of stress for me and that no matter how well i think i may be “handling” it, it is still rolling around inside, wreaking its damage to my self-esteem. the old lies return and when repeated often enough, take on a patina of truth, once again. my greatest FEAR, when that starts rolling around, is that i will once again assume to mantle of being “broken” and start to hide who i really am.
the moral of this tale this morning? for this addict, it means doing what i can to improve my job prospects, which means training during football this afternoon, calling my sponse, getting a workout under my belt and getting the fVck over to Boulder for my home group. it means that when i am asked how i am doing that i answer honestly and succinctly. if it takes more than fifteen words to describe my emotional state or i here a “but” or “however” creep in, i know that i have started the spin down into hiding once again. today i need not fear who i am or what others think i am, as i can be secure in knowing that just for today, i am doing the best i can, with what i have.

∞ DT ∞