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is certainly an apt term for how i am feeling these days. seeking new employment and caring for my aging parents as they begin to feel the effects of being in their eighties, are certainly things to be concerned about. all of the political strife, COVID-19 and my FOURTH STEP are adding fuel to that fire and for days on end, i just want to give up and hide in my bed until the whole thing blows over. at times, it feels as if i cannot even breathe and i certainly want to do something to change how i feel. intellectually, i know that it is FEAR that is driving this reaction, emotionally i feel that i cannot handle one more thing on my plate and spiritually, i cannot feel the presence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, in real time. what i “heard” this morning was i can let go of what i think &$#8220;needs” to be happening in my life and allow myself a moment to be okay, knowing that i have a POWER that has my back.
as i sit here and take time to actually identify and name my feelings, i get that what i am living has been created by a string of irrational, unmet expectations. i expected my parents to live out their lives in perfect health and just fade into the sunset, like some sort of Hollywood fable. i expected the pandemic to be quickly resolved and the world to return to “normal.” i expected my job to last until i was ready to retire. i expected the political situation to calm down after the electoral defeat of Number 45. i expected my life to remain placid, serene and yes even a bit boring and what i am getting is a strong dose of reality. when life on its own terms does not meet my expectations i fall into the trap of a negative feedback loop, that ends in a place of deciding what exactly is the point of living an active program of recovery, when all i get is disappointment? the only thing that stops that downward spiral, regardless of how much i pray and meditate, is to remember that if i had chose to return to the life of a using addict, i would not have a career, the ability to care for my parents or even give two hoots about the political and social chaos that marks these days. my escape would be in the next doses of something and for those twenty minutes, i could escape into the fantasy world that i built over the course of my active addiction.
just for right now, i think i will prepare myself to venture out into the dawn's early light and pound some pavement. before i take off, i think i can see the places where i have personal power and take it. i may not have the power to stay clean, but i have requested that ability for the POWER that fuels my recovery. i may not be able to alter the course of my parent's health, but i can step up and take care of them, with the help of my siblings and p=medical professionals. i may not have my next job lined up and ready to go, but i can continue to build my skill-set and think about how to develop new code, once again. yes i have the tools to “deal” with today, when i step out of my expectations and “feel” the guiding touch of the POWER that fuels my recovery and follow that lead, just for today.

∞ DT ∞