Blog entry for:

until something happens and my life become unmanageable.
denial, what a wonderfully, comfortable place to be. i can wrap myself up in it, use it to isolate myself from what is really going on, and blithely stumble down the road to my next use. what does denial have to do, with being to busy to do this recovery gig? denial is what i USE to tell myself,m that all of those gifts i have gotten, since getting clean are more important than doing the very basic stuff, i was taught to do, way back when. because i CHOOSE, most of the time, to place my recovery first by doing the very basic things, i am not plagued by “demons” nor do i have to share slogans, bumper stickers and clichés.
so yay for me! move along! nothing to see here!
as i move forward into this weirdly different week, i wonder, how much emphasis i put on those basic things, and how much of it, is just going through the motions. i do know that when i am on vacation, i do not go to meetings or call my sponse, vacation activities, even if it is doing nothing, take precedence. i do know that i do not call my sponse, as often as i probably need to. maybe just three meetings a week is just getting by. or a step every six to nine months, is not enough to keep me growing and moving along the path of recovery.
yes, as i shared the other night, i can over think everything and what i really need to focus upon, is the results. if i am not pleased with them, than i have cause for concern and certainly could and would need to step up my program. for me, the most important indicator, is not the quantity of any of those basic recovery activities, it is how i am walking through my days and nights. am i leaving behind a trail of confused, and hurt people? is anyone really LISTENING to me? have i encountered more than my fair share of a$$holes, today? all of those questions, plus the daily maintenance of STEPS 10 and 11, will keep me focused on what is really important in my life, namely my on-going recovery.
okay, now that me shower is done, i had a few thoughts, as the water splashed over me, especially about this topic, in the context of what i was sharing yesterday. just as fame and fortune, has not saved Oscar Pistorius, from having to account for his behaviors, so many days in a row, does not shield me from the humiliation of the addict that i am, from acting out. using the warning signs, such as constant rage and a trail of pain around me, i can either use the grace i have been given, as a RESULT of all i have done to date, and return to the path of recovery, or i can stumble down the various rabbit holes that present themselves to me, day by day, not the least being a red card to treat my chronic pain. in the long run, and yes even in the here and now, what i want to make of my life is up to me. i am not shielded by fortune or privilege, because addiction does not discriminate. the choice of whether or not i want what you guys have to offer is up to me. the action i need to take, is do what you guys did and voilà, all will be well. it is however time to move along, because truly there is nothing left to see here.

∞ DT ∞