Blog entry for:

what MY most important priority is. ironically, while speaking with one of the men i sponsor yesterday, this notion popped into my head. not because of where he is, but rather because of where i am, and the question is, am i too anything not to focus on my recovery.
before launching into that topic, i want to assure those of you who may be in law enforcement that i have the utmost respect for what you do and believe that the very vast majority of those who serve in that capacity really do have the interest of public safety in mind when they do their jobs. even though daily, there seems to be yet another video of what appears to be brutal and inappropriate physically violent responses, when put into context of how many interactions law enforcement has nationwide, those examples of what may be criminal behavior are reflective of what is really happening. it is unfortunate, especially for the men and women who are out there protecting society, that this constant release of what appears to be violent overreactions, is what coloring my perception of the law enforcement in general. in this case a few bad apples are starting to spoil the whole bunch and the next time i interact with a police officer, i may want to have someone taking a video of that interaction, just in case. with that said, i will move on to what i heard this morning.
too busy? yes, i know many of my peers are too busy to bother with the fundamentals of recovery. i, myself am remiss in keeping in close contact with me sponsor. i work steps, go to meetings and maintain a conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery, so i am three-fourths of the way there. for me. i get where the power to stay clean comes from. i get that it is because of those “classes,” i get to hear and share what i need to. i get that the ONLY place where just about everyone understands what it is like to wear my skin is, is the fellowship that has given me a framework for living beyond my wildest drug induced hallucinations and fantasies. and i see what often happens when my peers start to think that maybe their new life needs to take precedence over living an active program of recovery, and i am hardly immune from those consequences.
i entered recovery because of the consequences of active addiction, i stayed in recovery for the first few years, because i was unwilling to pay the consequence of using, and i i was FEARFUL of the consequence of relapse, for several years following my escape from the clutches of the justice system. today, i do this gig, because i have HOPE that it is my path to becoming the sort of person, i have come to desire to be.
WHEW, that was a bit of a tangled phrase.
yes, FEAR can be quite the tool, and it kept me doing this gig, for quite some time. in fact, it is because of that FEAR, that i became habituated to doing this recovery gig. now as i move into a HOPE based program, the habits born of FEAR are still intact and sustain me. practicing a daily program, “religiously,” as it were, gives me the freedom to walk through this world, with very little concern whether or not anyone is secretly watching and taping my actions in public. sure, i am far from a spiritual guru, or a model of the recovering addict, but that is no excuse for me to lay down what has been working and walk away. in fact, that is more evidence, at least in my mind that this sh!t works, when i work it.
on that very cliché phrase, i think i will pack it in and head on down to the office. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to do whatever i need to do, to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞