Blog entry for:

anything, to sustain my recovery, is a piece of low-hanging fruit, as in these pandemic times, i NEED to attend a virtual meeting, nearly every day. i have never been one of those who has come to believe that meetings were the whole of my daily recovery effort. what daily attendance is doing for me, is giving me the opportunity to be **with** my peers, virtually anyhow and hear what they care to share. that is the one accommodation is have found i needed to make, to get through being locked-down, in a semi-sane manner.
this is the place where i get to “pin the medal” on my chest, when i inventory all the ways i foster my recovery on a daily basis. the fact is, i do my best to live an active program of recovery, which means there are actions i take everyday, in an almost obsessive manner, to do so. using this space to catalog what i do and do not do, is not what i “heard” this morning, so i think i will just say: “nothing to see here, move along.”
what i popped off the stack as i sat this morning, was my bad reaction to watching a person retreat deeper and deeper into a sick and twisted fantasy, concocted by them and fostered by self-diagnosis and the seemingly lack of any ambition to do anything different. i am really wondering if they truly “missed” that phone call yesterday, or choose to let it go to voice mail, so they did not need to be accountable. as i heard them fall into the “yes -> buts” as the explained why navigating social and mental health services that are available locally, because everyone already “knows” them down in Texas, it took me down the path of the fantasies i have been unable to detach from and move forward in my life. those stories i have told myself since i was old enough to realize that i was not like my friends or my siblings. those stories that have defined who i thought i was and that feed my fantasies about who i might become. i am not all that different from intransigent house guest. i bluster, i make threats and i retreat into a fantasy bubble, when life presents me with changes that i fear. quite honestly, for someone that never leaves the house, their irrational fear of COVID-19 and the stress they manufacture as a result of that fear, is a great way to distract them from the reality that no white knight in shining armor is galloping to rescue them. just as no big bag of money is going to drop out of the sky as i walk this morning and lift me into perpetual financial comfort.
the fact is, IF i want something different, than i NEED to do something different. if i want my recovery to grow into a place where ii can accept that my “home intruder” is doing the best they can, even if i cannot see it, than i need to allow myself the FREEDOM to be okay with who i am today. just for today, i think i will wrap this one up, forgive myself for being human and judgemental. just for today, i will let go of what i think i may want and look for the opportunities to get what i need. who knows, maybe there is a rescue in progress, that is yet beyond my ken.

∞ DT ∞