Blog entry for:

for my recovery.
so last night, as part of my effort to carry the message, i went and did a bit of service. after sitting alone, waiting for my captive audience to show up for thirty minutes,one of the residents did walk in, and i started off a very informal meeting with just the two of us. most of the time, the attendees at the meeting are at least willing to listen, and perhaps he was as well, but i started off way off base, and the whole thing degrade to him telling me he was recovered and really did not need what i was offering, and me getting angry at his lack of desire to listen to the message i was carrying. i was definitely the toxic one, especially once he started talking about the path he has be on, to find his recovery. i did end the meeting and come home, before i went off and expressed my anger. the one thing that he did say, that has stuck with through my meditation is that the steps are the same, even though he was no longer powerless over his addiction. what i lacked was the ability to be open-minded and listen and as a result the only one who got nothing from the meeting was me. needless to say, a pint of Ben & Jerry's did the trick and the consequence i suffered was a very full belly as i was trying to sleep.
in the aftermath of my behavior, i realized that i have internalized my recovery path, to such an extent that when that path is question i feel defensive and totally shut down any sense of rational discussion. i felt my belief structure and FAITH challenged and like many other human beings, i wanted to burn the heretic at the stake. in reality, nothing was threatened, my effort to carry the message was stymied by my prejudice and when i look at itr, in the clear morning light, i see i am not was “well” as i want to believe.
what does any of that have to do with being too busy for my recovery? it is a symptom of the set of judgements i throw at my peers, when i see them slipping away. i forget that my way is not necessarily the way for everyone. even though i do my best to keep my recovery front and center, others may not have the same drive or zeal that i do. that is not a bad thing, because when i was struggling to integrate my life into a recovery path, no one told me i was doing it all wrong. most importantly, the “bleeding deacons,” kept hammering home their message and even if they were judging me, they never let me see it.
it is quite true, that i am a true believer. it is also quite true that at times i have been a recovery zealot. i have FAITH that i am on the correct path, and what others call the beast, i call addiction. i am also of the belief that i cannot tame that beast, and that using anything will be my road to perdition. i also hope that if i have five or more “life changing” in the period of a couple of years, i will find the strength to use what i have learned on my path of recovery and stay clean. that FAITH is predicated on the notion that it is up to me, to keep my program alive, growing and part of my everyday life, and not let it sit on the shelf and get dusty.

∞ DT ∞