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i may find myself in a place where the only alternative is to use. as dark and dire as that may sound, and it does, i have seen that story play out, time and time again. i am fortunate, that scenario has yet to occur in my recovery journey, but i am far from immune to the condition of being “too busy.” these days, i really do not need to volunteer for more unmanageable life, as i living a life far beyond my control. i made it to a meeting yesterday. today, my plan is too enjoy a cigar and game my ass off, all afternoon, after working out and attending my home group meeting. a quick trip to one of the purveyors of legal substances, is not part of that plan today, and i am quite sure that ii will reach out and touch somebody, before my car auto-magically drives itself over there. i look to my peers who have found themselves “too busy” to recover as my example of what the next “not right” thing to do may be for me.
one of the way off-topic things that popped off the stack this morning as i sat, was the reaction of one of my newest readers to these daily musings. that reader certainly is not an addict and if i were to use a very generic and meaningless term i would label them as a “normie.” it is ironic that when i write this now, i consider what their reaction may be and for the past few days, i have found myself cutting back a bit on the depth of what i am committing to the inter-webs. the notion that came to me was one of what the f_ck am i hiding from. what i post has always been available on the internet, since the day i started this, way back when and except at the very beginning, when i was trying to become some sort of “viral recovery guru,” i have always just pounded out what it was i was feeling in that slice of time. for the past few days, i have forgotten who this is for and why i do it. this exercise is for me, and i write it out, because i need to have a place that shows me where i was, where i am and where i just might be going. what once was and what will be, are of very little concern to me most days. what others thing k and how important i feel their opinions of me, may be, rises and falls with my spiritual condition. these days, however, my ass is falling off, as my Dad begins his shuffle off this mortal coil, and i need to be as honest and open as i can be, as i move towards that inevitable event.
this morning, i know what is important and my recovery trumps everything. something my spouse said to me last night, has come up from the depths. she said it was a good thing that i could be clean for this whole life-shattering process of being here to help my Dad move along. i know that if i chose to use, that the feelings that i feel in waves of emotions these days, would come back to haunt me further down the line. the tsunami of grief, sadness, anger, regret and remorse can be better dealt with in the here and now, instead of further down the line. it may hurt, and it does, but i have yet to die from a feeling, so i know that if i return to the stuff that got me clean, i can stay clean, just for today, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞