Blog entry for:

some clean time together, i can see myself slipping into the sort of behaviors that will leave me vulnerable to indulging in a few chemical tricks, to change my perception of reality. some of my peers seem to live in abject fear of relapse and they state they have never lost the desire to use. others seem to glide through life, without having to do anything. i have lost the desire to use and that event happened so long ago, that i have forgotten what it was like to live under the shadow of “wanting to use.” that is certainly a blessing of sorts, but it does lead to a bit of complacency on my part. my peers that struggle with the desire to use, more than likely have it a bit easier than i do, as that is in their face every single day. i get why they feel the need to say that they will never again use and i often wonder if they understand when i add “just for today” to their declarations of intent. it is, what it is and i am okay with all of that, today anyhow.
before i went out for my 8K run, squeezed between two 1K walks, i was pretty certain that i would be writing about the gifts that i get, just by staying clean and doing the little bit of maintenance that i do, do. what came up for me, as my pulse rate skyrocketed into the one-fifties was that i had not seen one of my peers around lately and one of the men he sponsored has taken a new sponsor. i have seen this scenario play out in the past and often is is not good, BUT, to read more into the facts than is there is going down a dark and spooky road of speculative judgement. i do know that he put a whole lot of his personal prestige on the line, for his little foray into self-will and leading, rather than serving. i also know that the last time i saw him, he was so angry at who was in the room, he looked as if he was ready to explode. how all of those facts played out in his life, i do not know, but i hope he has stayed clean and found a way to be okay in the fellowship. i may have found him difficult to work with in service, but that does not mean i harbor any ill will against him.
it is odd that i actually have some sympathy and empathy for someone i opposed in service. in fact, even my sponse and i do not see eye-to-eye about various issues in service. once upon a time, not all that long ago, it would have been my way or the highway. i would just “X” anyone out of my life who did not see things my way. somewhere, somehow, a spiritual principle crept in and took over that set of attitudes and behaviors and changed the manner in which i react to that stimulus. it has to be a gift of my daily program of active recovery and one that i can more than express a bit of attitude for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞