Blog entry for:

how long i have been clean, i need a reminder that living a program of recovery is something i need to do, just for today, every day. no one is going to present me with a lifetime achievement award, a certificate of completion or even a pat in the back fro staying clean, day after day. no matter how much recognition i **feel** i mat **deserve,** the fact is, staying clean is what 85% of the human race, just do with no forethought or effort. it is my hubris to think that i need that portion of humankind to acknowledge that i am doing what was once impossible for me to do. the building, that is my life, may not be burning any more, but there is nothing stopping me from starting that conflagration all over again.
what that means, at least for me as i will not speak for my peers or generalize my life on to their lives, is that IF i want to stay clean, than i need to do the needful, take responsibility for my recovery. it is not as if i live on a mountaintop away from society and the legal and illegal substances that swirl around me. i have to face on a daily basis that straying clean is a choice and it is up to me to support that choice, through my creative action. thoughts and prayers will not suffice. all the willingness in the world without any action is no less of a fantasy than me using PowerBall tickets to fund my retirement fund. what exactly does that mean? here is where i revert to a cliché: i cannot stay clean on yesterday's recovery.
the lesson i have been hammering the men i sponsor with, for quite some time, is that i am responsible for my recovery and y-they need to step up and be responsible for their recovery. when i say that i am not going to use if they choose not to live their program, it is a cold and factual statement of who and what i am. the POWER that fuels my recovery is not another fallible human nor is IT an institution or movement of human hands. if i choose to focus on what is not happening in the meetings i attend, or be dismissive of what those who arrive in the “druggy-buggy,” have to offer, what have i gained or more importantly what have i lost?
quite the rhetorical question to move into my day on my mind. as this day progresses and the storm arrives or does not arrive, i am quite certain that i will have more than one opportunity to take a minute and take responsibility for my recovery, by doing what i was taught to do. i can get to the meeting tonight, i can remember who and what i am and i can see that my life is not nearly as bad as i perceive it to be. it is a good day to remember that staying clean and having the opportunity to choose recovery is its own reward and have a bit of contentment that i decided that just for today, i will be clean again.

∞ DT ∞