Blog entry for:

ulterior motives, certainly underpinned all my relationships, back in my days of whines and supposes. everything in my life was transactional and quid pro quo, without a doubt, the most apt description of my life would be zero-sum game. as terrible as that may sound, it allowed me to survive the rigors of active addiction, living my lie and not retreating into the safety of my cave in full-blown agoraphobia. i have to admit learning how to move beyond that sort of half-life, has been one of the biggest challenges of my recovery to date.
as i sat and listened this morning, i realized that i have moved beyond anger through pity into a sense of empathy for my struggling niece. i still may not want anything to do with her, but i can interact with her without feeling dirty or protective of my self. she is still playing a game with me, even though this time, she may well lose and end up sleeping with her dog in my dead Mom's car. her time is short and hopefully she has a plan in place for the end of her era of free rent and utilities. i have enabled her for as long as possible and that is my part in this sad scenario, and one that i do not regret. it certainly is not my fault that she was unwilling to take back her own life until the very end. it is what it is and soon enough she will be mostly a footnote in my book of frustrations and i will once again be able to find joy in being a part of her life.
for me, right here and right now, i do see that the relationships i have developed over the course of my recovery are no longer transactional nor dependent on what i get from them. what i admire most in those who i consider my friends, are the same traits i value in myself: steadfastness, perseverance, honesty and integrity. life in my skin is far from heinous and as i deal with all that my Mom left behind, i get a sense of accomplishment that i have yet to duck and run from my responsibilities. when i say i am grateful this morning, topping off my list is my new found ability to participate fully in the relationships i have s-established over the course of my recovery and just for today, that resonates within me.

∞ DT ∞